Hello everyone, yeah, this is already the 3rd grade that I start in the AAO, but I swear this is the last one I'll start, after that, I'll start writing and doing the cases of the other two that can also be found in the list of cases.
This time I bring you the adventure of the prosecutor Hermes Aura!
Premise
Spoiler : :
Hermes Aura is a novice prosecutor who is starting his career alongside his mentor Jay Snake, but the work of a prosecutor may be more dark and hard than anyone might think, since the world of crime is a dirty and obscure place, accompany the adventure of this new attorney who will do everything possible for the only and real truth be discovered.
Case 3: The Marathon Turnabout - Writing 0% System 0%
Case 4: Written Turnabout - Writing 0% System 0%
Case 5: Artificial Turnabout - Writing 0% System 0%
Screenshots
Music
Spoiler : :
The pursuit is a remix of the pursuit of Spirit of Justice with the pursuit of Apollo Justice, made by Ace DJ Attorney
Snake's objection is the main theme of Zero in Megaman Zero.
I have take Hermes (Yu) sprites from a server in AO as Snake's, Kat's (Akane), Tony's (Ace), Arthy's (Aigis) sprites, the credits go to the original owners.
Judge Gates created my gotMLK7
Luísa (Franziska 27) created by mercurialSK
Last edited by DetectiveWhite on Thu Aug 22, 2019 6:49 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I haven't played much of the first case yet, but clever use of sprites!
I just think you have a lot of grammatical errors you need to correct. Maybe find someone willing to proof read your script before you start implementing it?
I'll keep playing through it though when I get another chance to.
SuperAj3 wrote:I haven't played much of the first case yet, but clever use of sprites!
I just think you have a lot of grammatical errors you need to correct. Maybe find someone willing to proof read your script before you start implementing it?
I'll keep playing through it though when I get another chance to.
I would very much like to have someone to help me with English, really, but I don't have many people who can help me, you know? But if anyone is willing to help me, I will gladly accept it.
SuperAj3 wrote:I haven't played much of the first case yet, but clever use of sprites!
I just think you have a lot of grammatical errors you need to correct. Maybe find someone willing to proof read your script before you start implementing it?
I'll keep playing through it though when I get another chance to.
I would very much like to have someone to help me with English, really, but I don't have many people who can help me, you know? But if anyone is willing to help me, I will gladly accept it.
It is a bit difficult, for sure. I wish I could help but I don't have that much time available and I'm working on my own projects. Maybe ask in the request threads on this site for help with proofreading?
SuperAj3 wrote:I haven't played much of the first case yet, but clever use of sprites!
I just think you have a lot of grammatical errors you need to correct. Maybe find someone willing to proof read your script before you start implementing it?
I'll keep playing through it though when I get another chance to.
I would very much like to have someone to help me with English, really, but I don't have many people who can help me, you know? But if anyone is willing to help me, I will gladly accept it.
It is a bit difficult, for sure. I wish I could help but I don't have that much time available and I'm working on my own projects. Maybe ask in the request threads on this site for help with proofreading?
theusjshjdhdne wrote:The first case was pretty fun with a cool new cross-examination system. Great job!
One question, though: Is Aura's mentor's name "Jon Snake" or "Jay Snake?" Aura introduces him as Jon Snake, but his profile calls him Jay Snake.
Ops, that's was my mistake, I was wondering what name I would put, Jon, or Jay, so I chose Jay, but I forgot to change, thanks for the warning, I'll repair this now.
Before this:
Remove the links to court-records in the Evidence Icons. Hotlinking ain't cool - but in this case it's useless, because evidence images are integrated in the Editor.
Frame 20 - have => has
Frame 21 - reach to => reached
Frame 32 - trying answer => trying to answer
Frame 42 - evidences => evidence
Frame 44 - This last evidence => this last piece of evidence (may need to split the text in two)
Frame 45 - I come back => I'll come back
Frame 55 - Panye => Payne
Frame 61 - fault you => blame you (just sounds better, it IS correct IIRC)
Frame 66 - happened at => happened (makes it consistent with Frame 67)
Frame 68 - was => were
Frame 77 - your honor => Your Honor
Frame 79 - Very well, and who is your... => Very well. Who is your witness? (not necessary, again sounds better like this IMO)
Frame 87 - how he know => how does he know
Frame 91 - i'm => I'm
Frame 91 - "I'm a baker of a bakery..." sounds redundant. You could change this up, but not sure how (maybe "I work in a bakery near...)
Frame 91 - near from => near
Frame 194 - your honor => Your Honor
Frame 195 - mend => amend
Frame 126 - is just a... => there was a
Frame 244 - other => another
Frame 259 - veredict => verdict
Frame 278 - in => on
Frame 282 - don't have a clear... => The defendant doesn't have a motive to try killing the victim (or variations of that)
Frame 291 - is obvious => it's obvious
Frame 294 - Just might be worded better.
Frame 298 - have existed => exist/existed
Relevant to this section, "But there's more..." is repeated continuously. It feels as if it could be better with something similar to a Thought Route, or just changing the wording up a bit.
Frame 306 - veredict => verdict
Frame 319 - have => has
Frame 320 - is already a... => it's already decisive
Frame 337 - for interrupt => to interrupt / for interrupting the trial
Frame 344 - for the two parts... => for the two parts to...
Frame 369 - stay firm => stood(?) firm
Frame 374 - better just end => better to just end it
Frame 371 - different => anything different
Frame 383 - has working => has been working
Frame 383 - try => trying
Frame 384 - But costs => But it costs
Frame 386 - the fact of => the fact that
Frame 386 - right on => right by (unsure about this, but right on isn't exactl good to hear)
Frame 390 - need => need to
Frame 392 - mistery => mystery
Frame 399 - don't think => doesn't think
Frame 399 - have something with => has something to do with
Frame 432 - shadris => Shadris(?)
Frame 471 - your trash => you're trash
Opinions:
The case was pretty cool, other than the many grammar issues. My main criticism is for the ending
Spoiler : :
you're basically doing nothing after the 1st section ends. You should've put some present / multiple choice prompts while making the theory.
Before this:
Remove the links to court-records in the Evidence Icons. Hotlinking ain't cool - but in this case it's useless, because evidence images are integrated in the Editor.
Frame 20 - have => has
Frame 21 - reach to => reached
Frame 32 - trying answer => trying to answer
Frame 42 - evidences => evidence
Frame 44 - This last evidence => this last piece of evidence (may need to split the text in two)
Frame 45 - I come back => I'll come back
Frame 55 - Panye => Payne
Frame 61 - fault you => blame you (just sounds better, it IS correct IIRC)
Frame 66 - happened at => happened (makes it consistent with Frame 67)
Frame 68 - was => were
Frame 77 - your honor => Your Honor
Frame 79 - Very well, and who is your... => Very well. Who is your witness? (not necessary, again sounds better like this IMO)
Frame 87 - how he know => how does he know
Frame 91 - i'm => I'm
Frame 91 - "I'm a baker of a bakery..." sounds redundant. You could change this up, but not sure how (maybe "I work in a bakery near...)
Frame 91 - near from => near
Frame 194 - your honor => Your Honor
Frame 195 - mend => amend
Frame 126 - is just a... => there was a
Frame 244 - other => another
Frame 259 - veredict => verdict
Frame 278 - in => on
Frame 282 - don't have a clear... => The defendant doesn't have a motive to try killing the victim (or variations of that)
Frame 291 - is obvious => it's obvious
Frame 294 - Just might be worded better.
Frame 298 - have existed => exist/existed
Relevant to this section, "But there's more..." is repeated continuously. It feels as if it could be better with something similar to a Thought Route, or just changing the wording up a bit.
Frame 306 - veredict => verdict
Frame 319 - have => has
Frame 320 - is already a... => it's already decisive
Frame 337 - for interrupt => to interrupt / for interrupting the trial
Frame 344 - for the two parts... => for the two parts to...
Frame 369 - stay firm => stood(?) firm
Frame 374 - better just end => better to just end it
Frame 371 - different => anything different
Frame 383 - has working => has been working
Frame 383 - try => trying
Frame 384 - But costs => But it costs
Frame 386 - the fact of => the fact that
Frame 386 - right on => right by (unsure about this, but right on isn't exactl good to hear)
Frame 390 - need => need to
Frame 392 - mistery => mystery
Frame 399 - don't think => doesn't think
Frame 399 - have something with => has something to do with
Frame 432 - shadris => Shadris(?)
Frame 471 - your trash => you're trash
Opinions:
The case was pretty cool, other than the many grammar issues. My main criticism is for the ending
Spoiler : :
you're basically doing nothing after the 1st section ends. You should've put some present / multiple choice prompts while making the theory.
Good luck with future cases!
To be honest, I was expecting some critique or commentary like yours and I thank you for put all the grammar issues, I really appreciate it.
Spoiler : :
About the hotlink, yeah, I do it because I'm still new in this thing of cases and I don't know hotlink is bad, but I'm already working on it to this case and the next one.
In the ending you're right, but in the momment I don't see what the player could done because the mystery is already clear, but I'll make something to improve the ending.
Thank you for your comment, you surely help me a lot.
DetectiveWhite wrote: commentary like yours and I thank you for put all the grammar issues, I really appreciate it.
Spoiler : :
About the hotlink, yeah, I do it because I'm still new in this thing of cases and I don't know hotlink is bad, but I'm already working on it to this case and the next one.
In the ending you're right, but in the momment I don't see what the player could done because the mystery is already clear, but I'll make something to improve the ending.
Thank you for your comment, you surely help me a lot.
no problem!
though I don't think the mystery was clear (from what I've seen it's common for authors to think that the mystery is clear to the player as well, try thinking about it from the player's perspective).
Also to avoid grammar mistakes you may need a proofreader since there were a lot of them (and if you do want one I can help)
DetectiveWhite wrote: commentary like yours and I thank you for put all the grammar issues, I really appreciate it.
Spoiler : :
About the hotlink, yeah, I do it because I'm still new in this thing of cases and I don't know hotlink is bad, but I'm already working on it to this case and the next one.
In the ending you're right, but in the momment I don't see what the player could done because the mystery is already clear, but I'll make something to improve the ending.
Thank you for your comment, you surely help me a lot.
no problem!
though I don't think the mystery was clear (from what I've seen it's common for authors to think that the mystery is clear to the player as well, try thinking about it from the player's perspective).
Also to avoid grammar mistakes you may need a proofreader since there were a lot of them (and if you do want one I can help)
You're right, that's the big problem of most of the authors beginners like me, we always think the mystery is clear.
And I would be grateful if you could be proofreader of my cases.
DetectiveWhite wrote: commentary like yours and I thank you for put all the grammar issues, I really appreciate it.
Spoiler : :
About the hotlink, yeah, I do it because I'm still new in this thing of cases and I don't know hotlink is bad, but I'm already working on it to this case and the next one.
In the ending you're right, but in the momment I don't see what the player could done because the mystery is already clear, but I'll make something to improve the ending.
Thank you for your comment, you surely help me a lot.
no problem!
though I don't think the mystery was clear (from what I've seen it's common for authors to think that the mystery is clear to the player as well, try thinking about it from the player's perspective).
Also to avoid grammar mistakes you may need a proofreader since there were a lot of them (and if you do want one I can help)
You're right, that's the big problem of most of the authors beginners like me, we always think the mystery is clear.
And I would be grateful if you could be proofreader of my cases.
I can definitely help with that, so if you want contact me!
aw yeah im always down for new trials. heres my quick thoughts on Case 1.
Spoiler : :
Overall, I think this is a pretty solid first case! The setup and crime are clear, you get who everyone is pretty quickly, and the contradictions are understandable. I think the story works too-- A simple "first case" thing where nothing's too complex, but it's a bit different when the prosecutor has to basically find the truth and interject where the defense doesn't, and makes the protag work against his own job in order to find the truth. I'm interested to see how this goes further, how the cases will make the prosecutor role work in the story, and how better defense attorneys will change up the protagonist's reactions and actions.
In my opinion, the biggest flaw of this game is the second half; there's simply no gameplay as Hermes figures out the crime and does the final showdown, which should feel cool and all, but there's no questions or present evidence bits, making it all fall a bit flat as the game does it all for you. It can probably be hard to figure out how to work that all naturally, but I think it'd be better if in Hermes's big final logic route, you made it so the player had to present evidence and figure out the crime more. That's the biggest flaw in this game, I believe, since it had me up until then, but then I found myself just kinda watching as the game finished itself.