[T] Perfect as a von Karma (Revised demo available) ○○○○○○

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Enthalpy
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Demo available) ○○○○○○

Post by Enthalpy »

I'm taking this example from the prologue, although this shows up consistently not only throughout the prologue, but the trial as well.
Spoiler : Prologue Excerpt :
Pearl:
(Huh? What's that?)

Pearl:
Mrs. Teecherr, is this yours?

Teecherr:
No, dear, it's not mine.

Meekins:
Hmm, what's that doing there?

Meekins:
Put it next to your backpack, and I'll show it to Detective Gumshoe later.
This example touches on a key consequence of not letting characters react. When they do things, they do them much later than they should, which creates unnecessary consequences in the story, making it hard for the player to really care. When I first saw that dialogue, here's the kind of dialogue I was expecting to see:
Spoiler : Prologue Excerpt :
Pearl:
(Huh? What's that?)

Pearl:
(Is this... a knife?! With blood?!)

Teecherr:
Come along, Pearl.

Pearl:
...

Teecherr:
What are you staring a- !

Teecherr:
Officer, do... do you see that?

Meekins:
It looks to be...
Aaaaaah!

Meekins:
This field trip will have to be cancelled! I apologize for letting you all down!

Teecherr:
Come on, I'll get you back to the bus...

Student:
Wh-Why?

Teecherr:
Just get back to the bus. Quickly now, quickly!

Pearl:
Um... Ms. Teecherr? Sh-should I go?

Meekins:
Please stay here, ma'am. Just in case...

Gumshoe:
What's all the commotion?
I've deliberately cut this one short, since you get the idea. Because you don't let your characters react to seeing a bloody knife, the entire scene that follows doesn't seem reasonable, so the players will have a hard time buying everything after it.

Does that make sense?
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
AceAttorneyMaster111
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Demo available) ○○○○○○

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

Thank you, Enthalpy! Now, I see that the prologue and trial need huge revampings. :redd: So,
The demo will be taken down again in one week, on Thursday, June 18 at 12:00 PM Eastern Savings Time for major edits.
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Demo available) ○○○○○○

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

The demo is now down for maintenance.
Not again... :gumshoe:
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Demo available) ○○○○○○

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

Sorry for the lack of activity lately, but life happens. :grossberg: Anyway,
The demo is now back up with minor and major edits!
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Demo available) ○○○○○○

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

Sorry for the broken links! Everything should be working now.
stupid kiwi6... :gray:
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Revised demo available) ○○○○

Post by fanfreak247 »

Okay, so here are my thoughts on this case:
Spoiler : :
· The monologue for multiple characters is very unnatural and doesn't look very good.
· The fast switching of scenes to the very fast dialogue, the case moves on very very quickly, and it feels rushed. It doesn't look like you paid attention to the characters and their personalities. Remember these are people who are having conversations. I would recommend reading your dialogue outloud and I think you'd see the issue.
· How Mia convinces Franziska doesn't even make any sense. **Prove to be perfect as a defense attorney?**. I think you need to have it more convincing than that.
· I didn't present the Attorney's Badge when Franziska wants to present it, and the trial ends. Why?
· Why is the fact that Pearls touched the murder weapon while her teacher and Meekins was there not mentioned at all?
· How does Franziska know that the backpack has unknown fingerprints?
· Franziska says "What could be more decisive than....?" That's what she would usually say, but she's the defense in this case, so it doesn't dawn on her that that would be bad for her case?
· Why is that when Apollo (or Ephron) is about to object, it's a timed frame and it advances automatically?
These are just some of the issues I see. Other than that, it's pretty good for a beginner, though, it's not a lot for a DEMO.
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Re: [T] Perfect as a von Karma (Revised demo available) ○○○○

Post by AceAttorneyMaster111 »

... yeah, that's kinda why I stopped making this case. Two-three years ago, I wasn't a very good writer. Maybe I'll completely rework this in the future, but for now, this case is on hold. Thanks for the feedback!
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