[T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●●●○
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[T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●●●○
Turnabout Scoop (needs reworked lol):
A rookie defense attorney/journalist Simon Scoop has to defend his best friend (who's also a journalist) for the murder of their boss, Jorge York. He has to cross-examine the crazy janitor of the company in the Trial Former and take down the real criminal in the Trail Latter. Will he be able to protect his best friend? Play to find out!
http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=79870
Trial Latter is out now! Can Simon catch the real killer?
http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80128
Turnabout Acceleration:
Alex and Simon go to the Grand Prix 2000 to cover the racing event, but during a practice run, a famous race car driver fatally crashes and the head of his pit crew is arrested for sabatoging his racecar. Simon believes there is more to the story and decides to defend the man.
Investigation Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80483
Trial Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=88797
Investigation Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=89254
Trial Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=90020
The Smuggled Turnabout:
When the York Newspaper Company seems to be going on hard times financially, Simon hesitantly accepts the case of a member of a criminal gang who is accused of attempting to smuggle weapons through an airport. In need of advice, Simon turns to a lawyer who is a part of his and Alex's past.
Day 1 Investigation: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=101156
Day 1 Trial Former: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=104368
Day 1 Trial Latter https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=109287
Day 2 Investigation https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=113760
Day 2 Trial https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=146766
A Turnabout Divided [In Planning]:
A hostage-taking in the Detention Center leads to the retrial of a case from Simon and Alex's past.
A rookie defense attorney/journalist Simon Scoop has to defend his best friend (who's also a journalist) for the murder of their boss, Jorge York. He has to cross-examine the crazy janitor of the company in the Trial Former and take down the real criminal in the Trail Latter. Will he be able to protect his best friend? Play to find out!
http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=79870
Trial Latter is out now! Can Simon catch the real killer?
http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80128
Turnabout Acceleration:
Alex and Simon go to the Grand Prix 2000 to cover the racing event, but during a practice run, a famous race car driver fatally crashes and the head of his pit crew is arrested for sabatoging his racecar. Simon believes there is more to the story and decides to defend the man.
Investigation Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=80483
Trial Day 1: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=88797
Investigation Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=89254
Trial Day 2: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=90020
The Smuggled Turnabout:
When the York Newspaper Company seems to be going on hard times financially, Simon hesitantly accepts the case of a member of a criminal gang who is accused of attempting to smuggle weapons through an airport. In need of advice, Simon turns to a lawyer who is a part of his and Alex's past.
Day 1 Investigation: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=101156
Day 1 Trial Former: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=104368
Day 1 Trial Latter https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=109287
Day 2 Investigation https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=113760
Day 2 Trial https://aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=146766
A Turnabout Divided [In Planning]:
A hostage-taking in the Detention Center leads to the retrial of a case from Simon and Alex's past.
Last edited by AllWrighty on Tue Apr 16, 2024 4:40 am, edited 25 times in total.
- Gizmological
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Re: Turnabout Scoop
SoC:
My thoughts:
Spoiler : :
Spoiler : :
Re: Turnabout Scoop
Spoiler : stream :
Contradictions were rather fine, even if very easy (2-3 frames testimonies).
For a very first case, it's ok.
- Enthalpy
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Re: Turnabout Scoop
I gave this case a quick playthrough. I was planning to give feedback, but do you still want it?
I noticed that you hadn't responded to either of the previous commenters, and you hadn't made any of the changes they recommended.
I noticed that you hadn't responded to either of the previous commenters, and you hadn't made any of the changes they recommended.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: Turnabout Scoop
If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop • as the title for this topic. If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop ○ as the title for the topic. Also, add one ○ onto the end for every sequel case you plan to make.
You should also use a Go to next trial in sequence action at the end of Trial former so the case goes right to trial latter when you finish former.
The plot of the case is pretty good, but it could use more detail. Grammar and formatting errors abound (forgetting periods, four-liners, etc.) Also, the characters could use some more development.
You should also use a Go to next trial in sequence action at the end of Trial former so the case goes right to trial latter when you finish former.
The plot of the case is pretty good, but it could use more detail. Grammar and formatting errors abound (forgetting periods, four-liners, etc.) Also, the characters could use some more development.
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Turnabout Scoop Complete (:
Trial Former:
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=79870
Trial Latter:
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=80128
I've completed the whole trial now! I hope that you enjoy (;
I'd love to hear feedback on my first fully completed trial. I hope to continue Simon Scoop, but I'll need some help with learning the ropes of investigations. (I have plenty of ideas for cases though)
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=79870
Trial Latter:
http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=80128
I've completed the whole trial now! I hope that you enjoy (;
I'd love to hear feedback on my first fully completed trial. I hope to continue Simon Scoop, but I'll need some help with learning the ropes of investigations. (I have plenty of ideas for cases though)
- Enthalpy
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Re: Turnabout Scoop
Please follow the showcasing rules here, so people can see quickly that what you're showcasing is a completed trial. It would also help you improve your showcase.
I'll post up my thoughts on the case after you get the first post cleaned up some.
I'll post up my thoughts on the case after you get the first post cleaned up some.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: Turnabout Scoop
You should have the title:AceAttorneyMaster111 wrote:If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop • as the title for this topic. If the case is unfinished, it should have [T] Turnabout Scoop ○ as the title for the topic. Also, add one ○ onto the end for every sequel case you plan to make.
You should also use a Go to next trial in sequence action at the end of Trial former so the case goes right to trial latter when you finish former.
The plot of the case is pretty good, but it could use more detail. Grammar and formatting errors abound (forgetting periods, four-liners, etc.) Also, the characters could use some more development.
Code: Select all
[T] Turnabout Scoop •
- Enthalpy
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Re: (T) Turnabout Scoop
At risk of nagging, please follow the rules exactly. The brackets should be square [ not round (, and you do need dots to represent the number of cases in the series, so people know what to expect. What AceAttorneyMaster has is a good start, though you'll need to add empty dots for the unwritten cases in the series.
Remember, the full rules and the dots to copy-paste are here.
Remember, the full rules and the dots to copy-paste are here.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
- Enthalpy
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
Thank you! With the showcasing technicalities out of the way, onto my thoughts on the case:
Making a series as your first case puts you in an odd position: you have pledged to make this case the foundation for the rest of your series, but because it's your first case, you're still learning the basics of casemaking and can thus have cracks in that foundation. I’m going to focus on showing you some of those cracks now, so you can have an easier time later on.
I’m still puzzled by the concept. Simon is a lawyer who is also a journalist…? Those two professions don’t often go together. While I was playing the case, I was wondering if you were going to explain that, but you never did. This leaves me with questions like: How much journalism does Simon do? Why did Simon want to be a journalist and a lawyer? How does his journalism affect his role as an attorney? How does his defending affect his role as a journalist? What is journalism like, that it allows him to be an attorney on the side? What does this choice of double jobs say about Simon as a person? I was hoping that you’d address some of these questions, but you didn’t, which left me confused throughout the case.
I also noticed that when your characters speak, they don’t seem to remember context. People talk differently depending on their current emotions and the thoughts that are in the back of their head. In other words, how people talk depends on context. But in your writing, that doesn’t seem to be the case. This is a bit long, so I explain in the spoiler, with my thoughts in italics:
Like I tell almost all new authors, read this tutorial that I wrote about implicit definitions. This will save you a lot of time when making your next case.
On the case logic side, I like the idea behind the final contradiction in the first witness's testimony, and you also managed to have all the cross-examinations move the case forward while all the contradictions had some explanation. Good work there! That's a lot harder than it looks.
Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts about what I've written.
Making a series as your first case puts you in an odd position: you have pledged to make this case the foundation for the rest of your series, but because it's your first case, you're still learning the basics of casemaking and can thus have cracks in that foundation. I’m going to focus on showing you some of those cracks now, so you can have an easier time later on.
I’m still puzzled by the concept. Simon is a lawyer who is also a journalist…? Those two professions don’t often go together. While I was playing the case, I was wondering if you were going to explain that, but you never did. This leaves me with questions like: How much journalism does Simon do? Why did Simon want to be a journalist and a lawyer? How does his journalism affect his role as an attorney? How does his defending affect his role as a journalist? What is journalism like, that it allows him to be an attorney on the side? What does this choice of double jobs say about Simon as a person? I was hoping that you’d address some of these questions, but you didn’t, which left me confused throughout the case.
I also noticed that when your characters speak, they don’t seem to remember context. People talk differently depending on their current emotions and the thoughts that are in the back of their head. In other words, how people talk depends on context. But in your writing, that doesn’t seem to be the case. This is a bit long, so I explain in the spoiler, with my thoughts in italics:
Spoiler : Explanation :
On the case logic side, I like the idea behind the final contradiction in the first witness's testimony, and you also managed to have all the cross-examinations move the case forward while all the contradictions had some explanation. Good work there! That's a lot harder than it looks.
Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts about what I've written.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
Investigation Day 1 is out for Turnabout Acceleration. Would love to hear some feedback (:
- Enthalpy
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
I've played through the case, and I have the same two comments as last time.
First I'm still confused by the lawyer-journalist idea. See two posts ago. I'll add that a two-person newspaper business seems very strange. Elaboration would be very, very welcome.
Second, the dialogue is still strange. Another user had a similar problem, and I talked at length about it here. I recommend that you read it over and then compare an excerpt from your dialogue, and then a piece of dialogue that I wrote myself.
It's good that your characters have enough identity that they have quirks, but the next, crucial step is to think about what is going on in their heads and to make sure that comes out in your dialogue. Best of luck!
First I'm still confused by the lawyer-journalist idea. See two posts ago. I'll add that a two-person newspaper business seems very strange. Elaboration would be very, very welcome.
Second, the dialogue is still strange. Another user had a similar problem, and I talked at length about it here. I recommend that you read it over and then compare an excerpt from your dialogue, and then a piece of dialogue that I wrote myself.
Spoiler : Original Dialogue :
Spoiler : Enthalpy Dialogue :
Spoiler : What's The Difference? :
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
Trial Day 1 has just hit the shelves ladies and gents. (: would love to hear feedback.
- GuardianDreamer
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
I played through what's been released of this case series so far today. Enthalpy basically echoed my thoughts on the first case, so I'm going to focus on the second.
Overall, I really feel as though there's quite a bit of improvement as this series goes on, and I'm eager to see that continue. My main suggestion is rechecking some of the grammar, or to find a grammar checker. Having the dialogue flow better would make it easier to get invested into this series. Good luck!
Spoiler : Second case investigation :
Spoiler : Trial Former :
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Current AAO projects (to be completed eventually, probably, hopefully): A Silly Little Dream (hopefully 2024), My Dearest Direst Disgrace (hopefully 2025)
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Current AAO projects (to be completed eventually, probably, hopefully): A Silly Little Dream (hopefully 2024), My Dearest Direst Disgrace (hopefully 2025)
Stuff I've made on here: QotU
Make My Life Worse
Malleus Maleficarum: The Witch of San Ignacio
The Six Transgender Lesbian Goddesses of Love Are Having A Petty Argument, So They Try To Settle Things Alongside The Three Transgender Gay Gods of Flavor
Defend Him, Not Me!
The Guardian and the Dreamer
I was a guest judge and did a bit of writing for the TICKING TIME BOMB competition.
My Twitter is here
Avatar is of Marth from Fire Emblem, commissioned from @PiyoStoria on Twitter.
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Re: [T] Simon Scoop: Ace Attorney ●○○○
Thanks for the feedback, and I agree with everything you've said! Thanks for the tips (: