Murder at the Breezeway Hotel

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Sleepius
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Murder at the Breezeway Hotel

Post by Sleepius »

Hey all! Just got done with my first trial. It is more for me to figure out the set up and everything, but would love for you guys to give it a try. The trial name is Murder at the Breezeway Hotel. http://aceattorney.sparklin.org/player. ... l_id=95347 Please let me know your thoughts and any suggestions on making cases better / more interesting.
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Enthalpy
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Re: Murder at the Breezeway Hotel

Post by Enthalpy »

I highly recommend that you read through this tutorial. Let me know if you have questions.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson
Sleepius
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2017 12:03 am
Gender: Male
Spoken languages: English

Re: Murder at the Breezeway Hotel

Post by Sleepius »

Thanks! This actually helps a lot!
DWard14
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Re: Murder at the Breezeway Hotel

Post by DWard14 »

SoC:
Spoiler : :
Time and place should be in green text. 'room' should have a capital letter. You're also meant to have the name of the building on the second line and the name of the room on the third. But even if all these criteria were met, they don't really fit in a prologue which is meant to be all action to hook the player.
The first music track a bit too slow, but still tense.
The writing for this bit's quite good at building tension.
The track that plays after the shooting is a great fit though, really fast-paced and frantic.
The hotel room from before didn't have tiled flooring, so why is there tiled flooring in the photo?
Why does John Smith look like Edgeworth in his profile picture but Doug Swallow in the crime photo? You never actually see him in game, or learn much about his backstory, so why not have his profile be Doug Swallow?
Why is there no blood in the second photo but obvious blood in the first? Matt Silver: The Failed Turnabout has this very image but with added blood if you need one, as long as you give credit.
Do we really need the time for a 911 call? It's not green, and it's in the same box as some of the dialogue! Also it's later stated that the call takes place immediately after the murder, so why is the time for the call 30 minutes after the last scene? Unless that conversation lasted for 30 minutes, which I don't think is true.
Why do you need the '911 operator:' part? There's a bit in the top left of the text box for names, so why not put '911 operator' there?
The call itself is well written though.
The time, date and location isn't in green still.
Who are Goldman, Schmidt and Van Dyke?
Why is it apparently Parker White making the ringing sounds? They should be in a separate text box.
Also, the player's profile isn't meant to be visible. And if you're going to have it visible, can you at least write a better description than 'Player Attorney'.
Why is every profile in the game available at the start when they should be unlocked throughout the case as the characters are introduced? You did this for the evidence, so why not the profiles?
Why is there no metadata?
Why is the last profile without a name and why does it's name box flash when I put my cursor over it? Also, 'Witness' is the best description you could come up with? This guy doesn't even appear in the game-the first witness is based off Larry Butz not Gant. All the profiles have a description that describes the characters role in the plot and nothing more. Add some flavor text about their personality and backstory.
It's normally spelled 'Jenkins'.
Why is Apollo in this game? He's the only canon character and he has no reason to be here. Also, why didn't you put his surname?
Why is there no dialogue before the phone call? It could have been a good way to introduce us to Parker and Apollo.
Why does it take Donald more than a week after arrest to hire an attorney?
The case normally stops being timed after the prologue. The office is normally when control is given to the player.
A four liner. 'Nuff said.
The dialogue in the office is so stilted.
We never meet the defendant outside of his one line in court, so it's hard to be motivated to defend him.
The courtroom intro normal goes 'Time and date/District Court/Courtroom Number X'. Also it's still not in green.
Just put 'Bailiff' in the little blue box instead of writing 'Bailiff:'
Why's the judge called 'Judge Dredd'?
How's shooting one bullet into someone 'brutally murdering' them?
The prosecution isn't properly introduced. Neither is the defense.
Close-ups are normally used for the blue swirling backgrounds.
So the fact the defendant entered the hotel with the victim is enough to get him arrested? Garbage.
The prosecution always has witnesses. I don't know why Mr. White is so shocked by this.
3 pieces of evidence is presented in the entire trial. Hardly 'a mountain'.
Where did the coffee come from?
I can understand the evidence thing scaring Parker, but not the witnesses.
The first contradiction is way too easy. It's not only obvious, but you only have 1 piece of evidence and 3 statements.
Speaking of evidence, that photo's way too low resolution and the two people in it look nothing like the characters. This is a problem as the point of the evidence is to show the two characters entering the hotel.
Who's to say the defendant didn't pull out a gun after the photo was taken
The fact the witness apologizes to the prosecution implies the prosecution made them tell lies. If the prosecution had been set up properly as some twisted manipulator this would make more sense. Also, why make the witness tell such an obvious lie? Especially since he already had a decent case with the photo, why ruin it with obvious lies? Besides the fact the guy didn't have a gun held to his back doesn't change much.
Seriously? The judge isn't going to make the witness testify about what ACTUALLY happened? Okay then...
The gun doesn't look like the one from the photo in the introduction. That one was black, this one is silver.
The gun is never used in any cross examinations.
Are there any fingerprints on the gun?
Is there anything linking the gun and the defendant?
The 911 call could've been made by anyone.
Neither of the new pieces of the evidence strengthen the prosecutions case.
Apollo makes his first appearance...Right before the final testimony. You'd think you'd introduce the co-counsel earlier.
The dialogue calls him Mr. Jenkins but his profile says Mr Jenkens.
Why would he phone 911 to report a murder HE committed?
GOTCHA! frames are normally timed. Why is it in the beginning all the frames were timed and now frames that are meant to be timed aren't?
He 'wouldn't pay up'? This is the first time this is mentioned! Why not mention the supposed robbery before. Actually, I just realized that the prosecution didn't give an opening statement.
Maybe he heard the 911 call the same way he heard the argument and the demand to pay up-through the walls. You know, because he was in the adjacent room.
Why does making the 911 call make him the murderer? Maybe he just phoned because he just heard a murder. You know, like a normal person.
1 contradiction is enough to make him confess? Wow...
This music doesn't give the right sense of victory.
That's it?
No final conversation with the defendant to close off the case and maybe set up the next one?
That was quick.

Final thoughts (I'm going to structure this like a QA review but keep in mind I am not an official QA reviewer):

Presentation: First of all, this game is VERY buggy with sprites not loading, the screen not focusing on the talking character and a four liner. The evidence has proper descriptions but the profiles don't. All the profiles appear from the start and one of them doesn't even work. You at least have dialogue when evidence is added to the CR, even if it isn't in blue..

Writing: You have a decent prologue, even if it is inconsistent with what the victim looks like and the colour of the gun. There's no defendant lobby conversation, which is necessary in an AAO case. You included Apollo for no reason and he only has one line in the entire case. All your characters are 1 dimensional, if they have personality at all.

Proofreading: The case is filled with typos, grammatical errors and poorly worded sentences. Also it has a certain swear I don't think is a allowed but Turnabouts of Father got away with it so you should be fine.

Sprites: You use sprites in the editor and they still bug out!

Music: Music fits for the most part, though the first and last tracks don't feel quite as tense or triumphant as they should. Sound effects are used mostly well.

Logic: The first contradiction is insultingly obvious, but then again most are. The second one is both obvious cheap and obvious. It's obvious because it'a the only statement that links tot the evidence in any obvious way. It's cheap because not only is it never stated that the 911 call is classified information, he could have easily heard the call if he was able to hear the argument and the demand to pay up. Also, how does being the one who made the call make him the killer? There's also no real turnabout moment.

Differences: Timestamps use the wrong syntax. The CR updates aren't in blue. You can see the main character's profile. None of the characters are properly introduced, including Apollo. Cross examinations aren't properly explained, whiich is a problem as this case feels like it's meant to be a first case.
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