[T] Turnabout Perfection ○

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[T] Turnabout Perfection ○ 

Postby Super legenda » Mon Apr 30, 2018 1:04 am

With the collaboration of XZI, we bring to you...
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A case with Franziska von Karma
Synopsis:
Spoiler : :
After Farewell, my Turnabout, Franziska von Karma is confused, and after going to sleep, some unexpected plot twists unfold, the truth exist... if you want to search it.

Screenshots:
Spoiler : :
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Demo: http://www.aaonline.fr/player.php?trial_id=102599
Investigation: 90-95%
Last edited by Super legenda on Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:34 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Turnabout Perfection 

Postby Enthalpy » Mon Apr 30, 2018 2:25 am

This is on my to-play list, which has gotten a lot longer lately. It's Christimas-in-April, I swear.

Would you mind adding the headers so your trial matches the showcasing guidelines? I haven't opened the trial yet, but I imagine it needs a [T] tag and a hollow dot. I could be wrong.
[D]isordered speech is not so much injury to the lips that give it forth, as to the disproportion and incoherence of things in themselves, so negligently expressed. ~ Ben Jonson

Current AAO Development Priority: Issue #94: Grayscale Mode
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Re: Turnabout Perfection 

Postby Super legenda » Mon Apr 30, 2018 2:40 am

Of course, sorry, i forgot.
Fixed.
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Re: [T] Turnabout Perfection ○ 

Postby Gamer2002 » Wed May 02, 2018 9:47 pm

Spoiler : :
Too many timed frames for the JfA flashbacks, use regular clicks instead. Not to mention, some aren’t timed.

Besides, not even mentioning the card that Franziska took then? That thing is too big to be overlooked, especially if yours intend is to give Franziska development right after JfA.

This is obviously a dream scene.

Tip: examining protagonist’s own house is an occasion to write more about their home/family/everyday situation.

Little bug: Second frame when you examine the window isn’t blue.

Klavier would be at most 15 now, but it just a dream after all.

Bug: Klavier’s music doesn’t stop if I return to my house.

>Presenting Franziska’s profile
She wasn’t such a spoiled brat even when she was 13.

Yep, she dreams she is an attorney now.

Green text ??? guy talks in typewriter.

Green text ??? guy makes me think that if this isn’t a dream, it is a prank on Franziska.


Well, there isn’t much to write for such a short five minutes demo. We are only introduced here to the basic premise. The idea can be executed well, despite being a rather standard fare. But because the idea is a standard fare, you need to bring us something that will hook the player. But there is no such a thing.

Franziska also comes out as shallow. Yes, she is a flawed character that wasn't particularly well developed in JfA. But at the end of JfA, she had a perfect opportunity to prove a link between Phoenix and de Killer, proving Matt’s guilt, humiliating both Phoenix and Miles, and dooming Maya. And she refused to do it and delivered to Phoenix and Miles every other evidence. You are not giving her proper justice by reducing her into “I am full of myself and I don’t get what kind of moral lesson I am supposed to learn!”.

Not to mention, there isn’t any reason for the player to follow her story, besides “let’s see if she ever learns anything, lol”. In Turnabout Siblings Angela Light is at her worst, but she still loves her younger brother, her first client, and genuinely wants to save him (and also to humiliate everyone involved in accusing her brother, but nobody is perfect and certainly not her). Here, Franizksa has zero redeeming qualities, despite the story being set literally right after the very moment of her established her biggest, most notable, redeeming quality.

Hm.

Gamer2002 wrote:Well, there isn’t much to write for such a short five minutes demo.


Yeah. But anyway, you need to improve your writing and characterization here.
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Re: [T] Turnabout Perfection ○ 

Postby Super legenda » Thu May 10, 2018 3:04 pm

Updated the Main Post.
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