The Joys of Modern Life

[Zeroes]

The Joys of Modern Life



There is one true fear that every human possesses. Such a fear, that not even the toughest nor

the most mentally fortified resist turning and running for the nearest escape; a fear, that can make

anyone cringe. Worst of all, you can never avoid it. It starts with an innocent phone call.


The day starts off well. You have just arrived in your home and are looking forward to relaxing

after a long day’s hard work. You start for the couch, and allow your mind to slip into the deep state of

laziness. Then, you hear the dreadful ringing. You try to rationalize it. Maybe it’s a friend calling, asking

if you want to hang out. Maybe it’s your family calling, asking how you’re feeling. Maybe it’s your lover

calling, wanting to chat about nothing. Still, you’re assaulted with that niggling doubt, that maybe...

“No, can’t think about that,” you say to yourself. Regardless, you have to answer it. It might be

important.


Anxiously, you make for your phone, wondering why you put-off unplugging that infernal

machine. Finally, after three more rings, you reach your destination. You gingerly grab the phone, and

it almost “slips” out of your grasp from your sweaty palms. The phone reaches your ear, and your

opening, “Hello?” sounds somewhat fearful. The echoing silence in between your introduction and their

reply seems like a lifetime, although the logical part of your brain reasons it could not have been more

than a second. At long last, the moment of truth: “Hey dude, what’s up? Wanna hang out?”


Well, what do you know? It actually WAS your friend asking if you wanted to hang out. You

reply with a level tone, although inside, your heart and mind are sighing with relief. Today, disaster

hasn’t struck. Tomorrow, however, is a new day with new challenges. Tomorrow, you might be arguing

for your life against... a telemarketer.


This was the case for our teen-aged protagonist. Currently, he was living the life, “ livin’ la vida

loca.” Taking nothing for granted, enjoying the moment, not a care in the world. Certainly not worrying

about that test he had the next day. But that’s beside the point.


His current place of residence was an apartment decked out with all the latest toys. He had a

luxurious Lazyboy recliner in the corner of his living room. Facing it was a large, flat screen television

with crisp speakers on the edges. Underneath was a grand collection of favourite movies and shows,

arranged from “epic” all the way to “amazing”.


One day, our protagonist met his antagonist, as all stories do. These ruthless, arrogant, and

careless scoundrels were the dreaded telemarketers. It all started one day as he returned home from

the movie theatres. He had just watched, “The Princess Bride,” and loved every moment of it. One

character’s particularly striking catch phrase had made a deep impression on him. In fact, it might just

have to be the best movie he had ever seen.


But those telemarketers, those pesky, annoying, bash-your-head-on-the-wall telemarketers

were out to ruin his day. As soon as he had walked through the door to his comforting home, the phone

rang. He picked it up, not anticipating the battle waiting ahead. It went something like this:


“Hello?”

“Ahh, yes, would you be the proud owner of the residence with the phone number (905) 947-

5384? Because we REALLY have some great advice for you. For the paltry sum of ten thousand cents

per hour, we can read your mind. We can look deep into your thoughts, you...“

“First of all, why would I WANT to? Second o...“

“The mind holds many fasc...“

“I told you already I don’t want a counselling for a 100 dolla...“

“Oh no, you heard wrong: I said ten thous...“


And so it went on, back and forth many times, neither party gaining any ground nor making any

progress. After finally reaching the point where politeness was no longer a priority, he vigorously hung

up the phone. He slumped down onto his Lazyboy, trying to slow the adrenaline rush and calm his

racing heart. He has had telemarketer calls before – Who hasn’t? – but none this... infuriating. Worst of

all, they just kept on coming: every night when he arrived home, the dreaded phone rang. And he could

do nothing about it. That niggling doubt, “What if it’s something important?” tortured him.


Finally, his patience snapped. A sadistic thought crossed his mind: Why not call them? As he

thought about it, a plan emerged. It grew and grew, adding more and more of his malevolence into it.


Oh yes, what a great plan this would be!


After a bit of sleuthing, he found out all about the company destroying his peace of mind. As it

turned out, there were plenty of people on the internet encountering the same telemarketer. The

stories were all the same: annoyance, persistence, fury, persistence, insanity. Worst of all, they always

seemed to call right when their victims entered their homes. The company’s name was Soul Reader, but

the only thing he needed was their phone number – nothing else mattered.


He reached for that massive book of yellow stashed somewhere in the depths of his closet, and

found their number: (905) 445-8877. He picked up his phone. For a second, he froze with nervousness.

Why was he doing this? Then all the horrible memories of putting up with inhumane calls flooded him.

No, he would not be merciful. He dialled the number. It rang 3 times.


“Hello and welcome Soul Reader. To look into your soul, press 1. To see-“


He couldn’t believe it. Even when he called them, they still tried to persuade him. It was time to

fight back. He pushed 1.


“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“Ex-excuse me? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch th—“

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“H-Hello, Inigo. Would you l-like your soul to be r-read?”

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“I-I’m sorry, Inigo. I have to go. Goodb-bye!”


That felt good. Satisfaction flowed through his veins. Vengeance would be dealt. He called

again.


“Hello, and welcome to Soul Reader. If yo—“

“I am your father.”

“Are you the same person who called last time, because if you are...“

“I am your father.”

“My father would never do such a thing! Who are you?!”

“I am your father.”


He heard a click, and the line went dead. “This is amazing!” he thought to himself. With a sly grin, he dialled the number yet

again.


“Is this that prankster again? Because if it is, I got my supervisor right beside me, and he won’t

be—“

“Here’s looking at you, kid.”


He heard some static.


“Who is this? And why are you harassing our company?!”

“You have my sword.”

“Say what?”

“And my axe.”

“Excuse me...?”

“And my bow.”

“Alright, now I KNOW you’re insane! You, sir, are being blocked from our company. You may

never reach our company again!”


“Which also means,” he slowly uttered out, “they can never reach me!” Overcome with

euphoria, he contemplated leaving them alone. But now he had had a taste of power over the people

who had ruined his life everyday at 6pm for the past seven days. No, he couldn’t stop here. In fact, he

felt better than he had in years. He glanced down at the phone with an almost satanic twinkle in his

eyes. It was going to get interesting...


For the rest of the week, he went to various friends’ houses calling the number he had

memorized. His grades dropped a little bit from all the time spent travelling, but he didn’t care too

much. Plus, all his friends thought the encounters were hilarious, so they enjoyed a laugh together.


Finally, while trying to reach Soul Reader armed with a Sherlock Holmes quote (He had run out

of movies to pick from), the only voice he heard was that of a computer’s. At first, he smiled, then

grinned, then laughed. This was what the mechanized voice said:


“We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you, however due to a certain person
and unfortunate circumstances, all our employees have deserted the company bordering on madness.
Soul Reader is no longer active. Have a wonderful day!”


His heart filled with triumph.

-Zer0es

[Claizen]

lol

I can just imagine someone getting a call from a telemarketer and they scream into the phone at the top of their lungs.

Nice work.

[AntiRoyalty]

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Loved it!

[~Lights~]

Ahahahhaaa. XDD
s0l0 gave it to me to read in person, and I was laughing so hard. xD
Also, when you sent me it, I printed it out and some other people read it as well. Yes, it had your name on it.
They thought it was pretty smart.
G'Job, s0l0.

[Zeroes]

You gave it to your teacher? >_>

[~Lights~]

mmm. He saw it over my shoulder. So then I let him finish.

[Zeroes]

So who other than Trucy has seen/read Princess Bride?

[Flandre]

*raises hand sheepishly*
Yes, I have.

[Ghaleon]

It is something no one should be ashamed of.

Princess Bride ftw.

[Dramatica]

The spaces, I found, between the lines, made the story

a bit hard to read.

Other than that, it was great.