Fan/Crackfic: Murder on AAO --STORY FINISHED!--

[hershel_layton]

Glase Canon is still the culprit in MY MIND!!!!!!

[enigma]

Spoiler : NN :

I thought I had provided adequate foreshadowing but, well, I guess it wasn't enough. I'll keep that in mind for any future writing I do. Thanks.

By the way, when you give your review will you be doing it as the individual unreviewed chapters, the whole story or both ?

[kwando1313]

I'm too OP.

[enigma]

Spoiler : :

Are you talking about how you were the only survivor? Or do you mean something else?

[kwando1313]

Spoiler : :

Well, being the survivor, Obvs. Well, unless you admit that the Bohemian Rhapsody theory is (clearly) correct~

EDIT:

Spoiler : :

Also, I totally survived because I'm Kwando-Beatrice. Duh. xP

[NihilisticNinja]

Alright, let's do this.

Spoiler : Review :

Chapter 6: This chapter is pretty good; it's less a step down than it is merely a sign that the story's plot is heading in a downward slope- that is to say, things are kind of calming down somewhat from the tense and chaotic nature of the climax as we get to our resolution. Decently well written- you divide the theories relatively well, and I do like Rune's rather... unusual method of deduction. There really isn't much else to say about it though, as that's more or less what the chapter is devoted to. Breaking down several theories, and explaining why they don't work, leading to the climax in which Rune realizes a mysterious sixth solution.

Aside from that... again, there's a solid division between Rune's thoughts and description here. You do that part well. Rune is entertaining enough; not really crazy at this point- he's put on his Serious Deduction Face and is taking everything seriously. That's fine. Overall, you kind of have a mini arc in this story itself- Rune beginning to deduce and eat the cakes being the rising action, him finally figuring it out being the climax, and his confrontation being the falling action and finally conclusion. Having Rune call him the "invisible pawn devourer" was a nice touch as well. And poor Rune doesn't even get to DIE in a locked room. Gotta feel sorry for him.

The descriptive language here isn't great per se, but it's servicable. It does exactly what the story needs it to- little more but not any less. The whole "flash of revelation" bit is rather cliche, but it's the working kind of cliche; everybody uses it because it's the most effective way to write a detective story. As noted, I do agree with GD about the bomb to some extent, but it's not really a major gripe.

Chapter 7: So... at the end I finally figure out roughly 85% of what happened, and all that happens is that I get blown up? -52042/10. But seriously.

Here, I think, we run into some problems. Let's begin with Ferdie. Honestly? I think it would have been better if you had reversed the protagonists here; had Ferdie be the detective that died, and Rune be the one that figures everything out and confronts the killer. Simple reason why: overall, it's actually kind of important for the viewer to connect to the detective on some level. When the detective presents the solution, the detective is basically standing in for the reader (even if they aren't the POV character). Like the detective, the reader has been thinking about the mystery for the entire story, collecting the evidence, and the detective is the brilliant figure that ends up presenting it; either confirming or denying the solution that the reader has spent time thinking about. So we like having said presenter be somebody we know and can connect with; that way, even if we were wrong, it feels appropriate to be there right at the detective's side, cheering them on. Thus, it kind of feels... wrong otherwise.

Now, maybe that's more of a personal thing. However, I'd also argue it's a problem from a basic literary standpoint- the detective may inherently be a sort of deus ex machina (as van Dine put it), but in that case Ferdie operates as a dual deus ex machina- not only does he suddenly figure everything out, but it's a character that has been in the periphery for most of the story; thus as the reader we had no inherent expectation for him to. It just gives this feeling of... randomness. "Oh, so it's this other guy that figures everything out, and not the one we've been watching?" It... feels empty, in a way. Especially since unlikely Rune (and even Enthalpy), Ferdie really doesn't get much characterization in this story. That's fine in itself, but if you're going to make him the last-second hero... it feels wrong.

Okay, second problem. The way you present the solution. Unless you're pulling an And Then There Were None, in my opinion, you should NEVER, EVER, solely make the solution the killer's monologue. It's simply dry and anti-climatic; the typical solution formula creates a scenario that even if it lacks tension- that is, the culprit admits their guilt, as they do in this case, you at least have an interesting dialogue where the detective breaks down the mystery, probably noting how he figured it out along the way. Here, we just get an exposition dump. It just feels dry, and kind of breaks immersion a bit. I'm still interested in hearing exactly how everything went down, but it feels like it does so in a far less interesting way.

In fact, it just makes the Ferdie problem even worse. Ferdie really doesn't do much of anything. You're having the killer give the solution to the reader anyway. Think about it: Let's say that Ferdie had died and you simply had the killer reveal the solution ATTWN style. How much, aside from the beginning, would that have really changed? You could probably still have had the culprit's final lines- if you didn't want to simply reveal them until the presentation of the solution, just make it vague who they are. Add the whole "We're fictional representations" thing to the end of the killer's monologue- something along the lines of "And why did I do this? Because X". Or, again, you could do it like Christie did and put the motivation first, and then the name reveal. That could work even better. Move the very, very last bit to the beginning. And... there really isn't that much you need to cut. You'd have to cut the conversation Ferdie has, and the sort of dour nature his final conversation with Sleuth builds up to... but it's really not a huge loss; you could probably have replicated that mood with just Sleuth quite well. Or just kind of built up the fact that everybody died... and they would never know why. Or who. That could have been massively depressing in itself. Then do the reveal, and then the epilogue. It still works, with a few tweak on the specifics.

But all this is kind of a shame, because there is good stuff here. That beginning? It's not badly written. The whole "Ferdie reaches the solution" bit is a BIT too similar to when Blackrune did basically the same thing, but it worked then, and it works now. The initial conversation with the killer is a good one. I really loved the killer's motivation; that was surprisingly interesting and creative. If I ignore how much the exact delivery ignored me... the monologue itself is decent. Simplistically written, but also written in a functional way. The kind of... empty feeling at the very end when everybody is about to die is much different than the empty feeling I was describing earlier with Ferdie; it has more the dull feeling of realizing that, in the end, the good guys actually did lose. It's a bit sad, and you deliver that sadness well. I did notice a few typos this time around, but wasn't too bothered by them; they didn't break immersion.

So... yeah. This really could have been great- the two big aspects just kind of caused it to fall apart at the end there.

Epilogue: YAY HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Kind of. Mostly. Probably.

Okay, I really liked the epilogue. You open with that same feeling of... emptiness that you left off with- poor kwando's feeling of confusion, pain, and frustration is one the reader an empathize with. (Also, heh at MonoBerika), and then manage to subvert that feeling quite well with a sudden final twist. You even bring back the humor present in the original couple chapters, really completing the total turnaround the story takes. And you do it smoothly and well; I got a couple chuckles. And you do leave the reader fulfilled at having finished the story.

The writing? Good. Not too much to say here that I didn't just say. Technical stuff is perfectly fine; probably were a couple typos that I missed, but nothing severe. You do a great job at setting the scene at the beginning, and the fast forward doesn't feel particularly awkward. The descriptors are plain, but that's always been a perfectly ignorable problem. The dialogue works quite well. Not too much else to say here; perfectly good ending.

So... overall? I liked the story. I really did. I feel it kind of fell apart at the very end there, but you do pick it up with a nice, sweet conclusion that left me satisfied. Interesting mysteries, your characterization was quite good, your writing as a whole was quite compelling, your humor was entertaining, and your plotting was pretty strong. There were a few problems in other sections, but I've noted those and they were never too disruptive. If (I ever get sick of you guys and decide to find and murder you all with my fabricated witch personality) AAO CLOSES DOWN, this might actually be a good story to keep as something to kind of reread and think back on, as weird and sentimental as that may sound.

So yeah, great job. I really want to take a look at what Sleuth did, but it doesn't seem fair. He's about to leave for a good while, and critique and criticism is hardly appropriate when said person isn't going to be around to properly be able to respond; it's just a jerkish thing to do. Unless he plans to end that story prior to him leaving, I guess I can't do that for now. Anyway, thanks for writing. Cheers.

[Phantom]

^You'd be doing Sleuth a favor by posting a review of his fic early on so that when he's visiting the thread he can give it a read anytime he wants. It's not a matter of being a jerk, but being of inconvenience if you're holding back until he comes back from his "absence".

[Sleuth]

I would appreciate a critique of what I've got so far, if you're up to it.

...did I just ask for a critique of a crackfic what

[NihilisticNinja]

^You'd be doing Sleuth a favor by posting a review of his fic early on so that when he's visiting the thread he can give it a read anytime he wants. It's not a matter of being a jerk, but being of inconvenience if you're holding back until he comes back from his "absence".

I would appreciate a critique of what I've got so far, if you're up to it.

...did I just ask for a critique of a crackfic what

Dang it you two with your "reasonable points" and "polite requests"! Just keep giving me excuses to procrastinate on things I need to do.. *grumble grumble*

[enigma]

Alright, let's do this.
Hell to the yeah~!

Spoiler : Review :

Chapter 6: This chapter is pretty good; it's less a step down than it is merely a sign that the story's plot is heading in a downward slope- that is to say, things are kind of calming down somewhat from the tense and chaotic nature of the climax as we get to our resolution. Decently well written- you divide the theories relatively well, and I do like Rune's rather... unusual method of deduction. There really isn't much else to say about it though, as that's more or less what the chapter is devoted to. Breaking down several theories, and explaining why they don't work, leading to the climax in which Rune realizes a mysterious sixth solution.
Fun fact. This one was probably the chapter I worked hardest on. Going through a few drafts. In the original, it was just normal Russian Roulette but then I decided that was too screwed up and dark. Then, I had an epiphany. It all happened when I thought of doing SOMETHING to do with maids for Rune's penalty game but I couldn't think of anything. That was when I remembered L from Death Note and his thing with cakes and sweets. Which set me thinking about Maid Cafe' cakes which lead to... Well, Delicious Russian Roulette.

Aside from that... again, there's a solid division between Rune's thoughts and description here. You do that part well. Rune is entertaining enough; not really crazy at this point- he's put on his Serious Deduction Face and is taking everything seriously. That's fine. Overall, you kind of have a mini arc in this story itself- Rune beginning to deduce and eat the cakes being the rising action, him finally figuring it out being the climax, and his confrontation being the falling action and finally conclusion. Having Rune call him the "invisible pawn devourer" was a nice touch as well. And poor Rune doesn't even get to DIE in a locked room. Gotta feel sorry for him.
Well, if you remember that the reason he's so angry and frustrated and determined to catch the culprit is because he was gypped out of a locked room... He starts looking a little more crazy. Yeah, but this chapter I just wanted to answer the ancillary questions so that the three major questions (the "dunnits") remained. Which is why Rune is more focused than his normal insane self. By the way, the title was actually my hint to the reader to listen to the namesake music while reading the chapter. XD

The descriptive language here isn't great per se, but it's servicable. It does exactly what the story needs it to- little more but not any less. The whole "flash of revelation" bit is rather cliche, but it's the working kind of cliche; everybody uses it because it's the most effective way to write a detective story. As noted, I do agree with GD about the bomb to some extent, but it's not really a major gripe.
Well, I'm just glad you found it a little enjoyable. I mean, I'm not a professional author or anything so... If you found it entertaining than I'm glad.


Chapter 7: So... at the end I finally figure out roughly 85% of what happened, and all that happens is that I get blown up? -52042/10. But seriously.
I figured that the ending might not garner much love for how it made all of the effort of the characters worth nothing but, well... I wanted my epilogue to be as I planned it and that required the explosion. (Yes. The epilogue was actually planned in advance, weirdly enough...)

Here, I think, we run into some problems. Let's begin with Ferdie. Honestly? I think it would have been better if you had reversed the protagonists here; had Ferdie be the detective that died, and Rune be the one that figures everything out and confronts the killer. Simple reason why: overall, it's actually kind of important for the viewer to connect to the detective on some level. When the detective presents the solution, the detective is basically standing in for the reader (even if they aren't the POV character). Like the detective, the reader has been thinking about the mystery for the entire story, collecting the evidence, and the detective is the brilliant figure that ends up presenting it; either confirming or denying the solution that the reader has spent time thinking about. So we like having said presenter be somebody we know and can connect with; that way, even if we were wrong, it feels appropriate to be there right at the detective's side, cheering them on. Thus, it kind of feels... wrong otherwise.
Ah... I should have realised everyone would have forgotten Ferdies character by then. But, well, I wanted to have Runes death because it was such a strong scene in my opinion. But I agree. I definitely could have done better. Dammit! I should have had Kwando or you solve it in the end because:
Kwando: It sets up the epilogue better, though it makes the epilogue a little strange...
NN: You're described as the Deus Ex Machina which makes it kind of excusable through meta.

Now, maybe that's more of a personal thing. However, I'd also argue it's a problem from a basic literary standpoint- the detective may inherently be a sort of deus ex machina (as van Dine put it), but in that case Ferdie operates as a dual deus ex machina- not only does he suddenly figure everything out, but it's a character that has been in the periphery for most of the story; thus as the reader we had no inherent expectation for him to. It just gives this feeling of... randomness. "Oh, so it's this other guy that figures everything out, and not the one we've been watching?" It... feels empty, in a way. Especially since unlikely Rune (and even Enthalpy), Ferdie really doesn't get much characterization in this story. That's fine in itself, but if you're going to make him the last-second hero... it feels wrong.
I agree and disagree here. Ferdie didn't really solve it. Rune solved it and basically outlined everything in the book as shown in chapter 6. However, I really should have either emphasized Ferdie in previous chapters or used someone else. I definitely could have pulled the ending off better there.

Okay, second problem. The way you present the solution. Unless you're pulling an And Then There Were None, in my opinion, you should NEVER, EVER, solely make the solution the killer's monologue. It's simply dry and anti-climatic; the typical solution formula creates a scenario that even if it lacks tension- that is, the culprit admits their guilt, as they do in this case, you at least have an interesting dialogue where the detective breaks down the mystery, probably noting how he figured it out along the way. Here, we just get an exposition dump. It just feels dry, and kind of breaks immersion a bit. I'm still interested in hearing exactly how everything went down, but it feels like it does so in a far less interesting way.
Argh! This annoys me because I actually was going to have Ferdie explain it all. But I personally decided that killer confessions were more interesting to read. Dammit! I'm sorry. I'll remember that for next time.

In fact, it just makes the Ferdie problem even worse. Ferdie really doesn't do much of anything. You're having the killer give the solution to the reader anyway. Think about it: Let's say that Ferdie had died and you simply had the killer reveal the solution ATTWN style. How much, aside from the beginning, would that have really changed? You could probably still have had the culprit's final lines- if you didn't want to simply reveal them until the presentation of the solution, just make it vague who they are. Add the whole "We're fictional representations" thing to the end of the killer's monologue- something along the lines of "And why did I do this? Because X". Or, again, you could do it like Christie did and put the motivation first, and then the name reveal. That could work even better. Move the very, very last bit to the beginning. And... there really isn't that much you need to cut. You'd have to cut the conversation Ferdie has, and the sort of dour nature his final conversation with Sleuth builds up to... but it's really not a huge loss; you could probably have replicated that mood with just Sleuth quite well. Or just kind of built up the fact that everybody died... and they would never know why. Or who. That could have been massively depressing in itself. Then do the reveal, and then the epilogue. It still works, with a few tweak on the specifics.
Damn. If only I had you helping me write the ending. Sadly, this didn't even come to mind. Which is weird considering this is essentially an Agatha Christie parody. I'm actually kind of annoyed that I didn't think of that first.

But all this is kind of a shame, because there is good stuff here. That beginning? It's not badly written. The whole "Ferdie reaches the solution" bit is a BIT too similar to when Blackrune did basically the same thing, but it worked then, and it works now. The initial conversation with the killer is a good one. I really loved the killer's motivation; that was surprisingly interesting and creative. If I ignore how much the exact delivery ignored me... the monologue itself is decent. Simplistically written, but also written in a functional way. The kind of... empty feeling at the very end when everybody is about to die is much different than the empty feeling I was describing earlier with Ferdie; it has more the dull feeling of realizing that, in the end, the good guys actually did lose. It's a bit sad, and you deliver that sadness well. I did notice a few typos this time around, but wasn't too bothered by them; they didn't break immersion.
Well, I'm glad that despite its flaws, the ending did it's job. In the end, what I wanted to capture was the sadness so I'm glad I pulled that off, at least.

So... yeah. This really could have been great- the two big aspects just kind of caused it to fall apart at the end there.
Well, I guess that at least I can apply all my knowledge from this to any future writings I might do...

Epilogue: YAY HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Kind of. Mostly. Probably.
It's supposed to be a kind of inspirational happy ending. In the end, everyone can pull through even the darkest times. Which is basically what the under title text says for that chapter.

Okay, I really liked the epilogue. You open with that same feeling of... emptiness that you left off with- poor kwando's feeling of confusion, pain, and frustration is one the reader an empathize with. (Also, heh at MonoBerika), and then manage to subvert that feeling quite well with a sudden final twist. You even bring back the humor present in the original couple chapters, really completing the total turnaround the story takes. And you do it smoothly and well; I got a couple chuckles. And you do leave the reader fulfilled at having finished the story.
Finally, something good that I did intentionally . But, seriously, I'm so glad that the epilogue worked out with exactly the feelings and reactions I had hoped for. So.. Yay me?

The writing? Good. Not too much to say here that I didn't just say. Technical stuff is perfectly fine; probably were a couple typos that I missed, but nothing severe. You do a great job at setting the scene at the beginning, and the fast forward doesn't feel particularly awkward. The descriptors are plain, but that's always been a perfectly ignorable problem. The dialogue works quite well. Not too much else to say here; perfectly good ending.
Thanks. Glad you liked it. ^_^

So... overall? I liked the story. I really did. I feel it kind of fell apart at the very end there, but you do pick it up with a nice, sweet conclusion that left me satisfied. Interesting mysteries, your characterization was quite good, your writing as a whole was quite compelling, your humor was entertaining, and your plotting was pretty strong. There were a few problems in other sections, but I've noted those and they were never too disruptive. If (I ever get sick of you guys and decide to find and murder you all with my fabricated witch personality) AAO CLOSES DOWN, this might actually be a good story to keep as something to kind of reread and think back on, as weird and sentimental as that may sound.
It doesn't sound weird at all. If, touch wood, AAO is ever closed down I hope that my story can provide at least a little bit of hope that AAO will revive in another form with it's ending. All in all, thank you for being such a fantastic reviewer and I'm extremely glad you came along with me for this little tale.

So yeah, great job. I really want to take a look at what Sleuth did, but it doesn't seem fair. He's about to leave for a good while, and critique and criticism is hardly appropriate when said person isn't going to be around to properly be able to respond; it's just a jerkish thing to do. Unless he plans to end that story prior to him leaving, I guess I can't do that for now. Anyway, thanks for writing. Cheers.

[GuardianDreamer]

Oh, also...

I demand a dance-off between Rune and myself set to this.

This never happened. -10/10. I am disappointed, Enigma.

... But in all seriousness, I feel like clarifying something again.

Spoiler : :

I guess the fact that it was a bomb isn't what I disliked. I guess what I disliked, and found to be a Shocking Swerve, was the sudden mood shift. I mean, the story kept switching between being a crack fic and being dark (well, as dark as a crack fic can be, I guess), but it always retained elements of being a crack fic. So an ending like THAT just feels really bizarre and out of place. That is what I'm trying to say. Looking back, you DID put enough foreshadowing, but I think that you could have handled the darker shift a lot better. Still, that's one thing you can improve on in the future, and it was a good story overall.

[Bad Player]

Spoiler : :

At least I got to kill Meph.

[Sleuth]

Spoiler : :

At least I got to kill Meph.

Spoiler : :

And I got to kill EVERYONE (except Meph). And that is what's truly important.

[kwando1313]

Spoiler : :

At least I got to kill Meph.

Spoiler : :

And I got to kill EVERYONE (except Meph). And that is what's truly important.

Spoiler : :

You didn't kill me either~

[Sleuth]

Spoiler : :

At least I got to kill Meph.

Spoiler : :

And I got to kill EVERYONE (except Meph). And that is what's truly important.

Spoiler : :

You didn't kill me either~

Spoiler : :

Hush you. You weren't GOOD enough to die from bomb.