[Fan Fiction] A Cicada's Dying Chirp

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enigma
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[Fan Fiction] A Cicada's Dying Chirp

Post by enigma »

/!\ WARNING: HIGURASHI AND UMINEKO SPOILERS /!\
This IS a Higurashi Fanfic so please do expect major spoilers. And there's going to be some Umineko ones as well. Just a heads up.


Image
Spoiler : Chapter 1 :
Chapter 1

The soft pitter of rain against a glass window woke Keiichi Maebara up. It was only natural. June was almost over, and Tokyo was pretty much midway through it's early summer "rainy season", or tsuyu as it's called. Pulling back the curtains, he let what little sunlight there was peeking out from behind a sea of grey clouds enter the room.

Keiichi sighed and turned his alarm off, despite it's silence. It was early, early to the point that the clock hadn't even had a chance to ring yet, but that had become typical routine for Keiichi. Cleaning himself up and slipping on his uniform, Keiichi headed into the kitchen. Toast had been prepared. The typical, boring breakfast of the growing student. Accompanying him for the meal was the drone of the television in the background.

"...Great Hinamizawa Disaster... Thousands dead... Volcanic gas... Still looking into causes-"

*Click*


The background noise came to an abrupt stop, as Keiichi pressed the power button to the tv, silencing it. And with that, he put on his shoes and picked up his bag, heading out the door.

The thing about Tokyo, is that it is a large amount of people put into a small amount of space. This was not news to Keiichi, as he was engulfed by the sea of salarymen heading to their jobs and students rushing to their schools. This same suffocating effect was only magnified by the way everyone was crammed into a single train. Keiichi couldn't help but make a mental comparison to sardines in a can. Being shaken about as they move down the factory conveyor belt. Keiichi sighed. Had everything always been this grey? Was there always something... missing from his days? It was strange, really. After the incident, he really had no reason to think that anything would have gotten better. And yet he couldn't help but think that it was just a temporary fix. Something that would blow over as quickly as it had begun.

Hey, I apologized, didn't I? So why haven't I been forgiven yet? Was my crime really so bad that it couldn't be forgiven?

The usual robotic announcement, and series of notes played out as the train reached the station. With a hiss, the doors slid open and Keiichi stepped out onto the platform, back into an overwhelming ocean of humanity. Steering himself through the current, he made his way onto the street.

"Maebara-san?"

"Huh?"

The voice belonged to a young man, probably in his 20's, with jet black hair and reddish-brown eyes. He wore a blue suit and a lighter blue tie. Accompanying him, was an older man, greying and plump, wearing red suspenders and a red tie. Under his arm, he carried a light brown to cream coloured jacket.

Needless to say, Keiichi knew neither of the men.

"My name is Akasaka Mamoru," the younger man began, "and this is Detective Ooishi-san from the Okinomiya Police Department." He gestured towards the older detective

Keiichi froze. He wasn't a stranger to interviews with the police, but he had figured that what had happened had long blown over by now. Surely a year was enough time for everyone to forget and move on with their lives.

"If you could please follow us," it was the older man this time. "Our car has heating. I think you'll find it much better for a conversation, than standing out here in the rain."

There was something about him, despite his friendly and calm demeanor, that made him seem... off.

"...Why?"

"Hrm?"

The older detective raised an eyebrow at Keiichi's 'question'.

"Why should I follow you? That incident was well over a year ago, now! Whatever's happening now's got nothing to do with me. Besides, there's nothing to indicate that either of you even are detectives. Why should I just blindly trust you?"

Keiichi's retort left both men unfazed. In any case, not waiting for an answer, Keiichi turned around and began to walk off. The detective had a point; there was no point in standing around in the rain and if he didn't hurry, he'd be late. Considering his current status, that wasn't an option.

However, before Keiichi could get more than a few steps away, he felt a sudden sharp pain blossom in his shoulder. Thick fingers grinded down into his shoulder, like a vice.

"Wait, Maebara-san. We haven't gotten a chance to talk yet."

The older detective's voice hadn't changed, but there was now a definite edge to it. A hint of a threat, of malice. Turning around, Keiichi could see him holding his badge out in front of him.

"Hey." The younger policeman began. "Don't hurt him. He's still just a kid. And he's our only solid lead so far."

There was a certain stern tone in the way he talked that made it hard to ignore what he said. His partner let go of Keiichi's shoulder, and pushed him slightly towards the car.

"Ah... Well, this is still police business, isn't it? You know what that means, right, Maebara-san? Nn-fu-fu-fu..."

The older detective chuckled to himself, as the younger detective opened the door to the back seats of the car. It seemed, so far, that Keiichi didn't have a choice as he was practically herded into the car.

As the car began to drive off, the younger detective turned to face the passenger in the back of the car.

"Maebara-san. Let me ask you a question... What do you know about the Great Hinamizawa Disaster?"
---
Meta-World

"Eh?! Is that kind of move really okay, Auaurora?"

The blonde witch wore a pink outfit, decorated with sweets. Practically bouncing upon the chair she sat on, she helped herself to handfuls from the popcorn bucket she held in her lap.She tossed a single kernel into her mouth as she surveyed the gameboard before her.

"I mean, isn't this a major contradiction with the rules? Starting after all the exciting stuff happened? And killing off most of your main pieces as well, to boot? Surely this kind of <LAME>, <BORING> and <GROSS> strategy is against the rules, right?"

Her opponent, an elegant purple-haired witch of high stature, remained unfazed. Her horns glimmering in the light that filled the library, she smiled calmly as she spoke.

"There are no rules that forbid this sort of action on my gameboard, Lambdadelta. Even the highest members of Ersine Jungfrau would allow this sort of story to unfold, if they were to witness it. After all, neither Knox nor Dine demand a mystery begin at a certain point."

"Ah, really?! I could've sworn there was something against doing this kind of thing."

As if she were a spoiled child, Lambdadelta proceeded to sulk. For such a high ranking witch, she was nothing like the expected lady-like or elegant portrayal one might have imagined. No, in fact, a comparison to an unruly child would not have been entirely unfounded. What Lady Auaurora could have possibly seen in her to invite her to be her opponent in her game practically boggled the mind!

"Well, then." Auaurora began. "Shall I explain the rules to you once more, before we begin our current round?"

Lambdadelta scoffed.

"No need! I've been following the previous games pretty closely. I think I get it by now."

Auaurora continued anyway. A ditz character like Lambdadelta, she figured, could always do with a quick recap.

"Your goal is to disprove the existence of Oyashiro-sama. To this effect, you may use the tactics of 'Blue Truth' and your own personal pawn on the current board. However, your pawn is limited. They may not perform any action that could be deemed out of character for them. They also may take the objective view, however... As the one weaving this tale, I am in control of what is the current point of view. Furthermore, I am in control of all the other pieces, and may wield the 'Red Truth' to combat your own 'Blue Truth'. Any further questions?"

Puffing her cheeks up, Lambdadelta pouted.

"I told you I already got it. You didn't have to say anything..."

"Well, then. My sincere apologies." It was quite clear, that the apology was anything but sincere. "But if you don't have any more questions, than I shall finally begin this round."
---
More chapters coming soon. Please provide feedback.
Last edited by enigma on Sat Jun 14, 2014 3:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: [Fan Fiction] A Cicada's Dying Chirp

Post by NihilisticNinja »

Commentary in spoiler tags
Spoiler : Comments :
enigma wrote: The soft pitter of rain against a glass window woke Keiichi Maebara up. It was only natural. June was almost over, and Tokyo was pretty much midway through it's early summer "rainy season", or tsuyu as it's called. Pulling back the curtains, he let what little sunlight there was peeking out from behind a sea of grey clouds enter the room.
I don't get why this section is in italics. It's not a dream sequence, as far as I can tell- if it is then that should be made a lot clearer. And aside from that there is no reason to set this sequence, which seems insignificant, apart from the rest of the story using italics.
enigma wrote: Cleaning himself up and slipping on his uniform, Keiichi headed into the kitchen. Toast had been prepared. The typical, boring breakfast of the growing student.
This is kind of a nit-picky thing but... do people typically just eat toast for breakfast? Not even bacon or eggs with it, just... toast? Without even any jam, it sounds like?
enigma wrote:The white noise came to an abrupt stop, as Keiichi pressed the power button to the tv, silencing it.
"White noise" is the sound of snow and static when there is no transmission signal being obtained, and there clearly was in this case. IT feels like you're trying for a metaphor here, but it just doesn't work for me.
enigma wrote:The thing about Tokyo, is that it is a large amount of people put into a small amount of space. This was not news to Keiichi, as he was engulfed by the sea of salarymen heading to their jobs and students rushing to their schools. This same suffocating effect was only magnified by the way everyone was crammed into a single train. Keiichi couldn't help but make a mental comparison to sardines in a can. Being shaken about as they move down the factory conveyor belt.
In the "conveyer belt" bit it feels like you're taking this metaphor too far, and it kind of just sounds awkward, particularly when you don't explain what it's a metaphor for.
enigma wrote: Hey, I apologized, didn't I? So why haven't I been forgiven yet? Was my crime really so bad that it couldn't be forgiven?
Maybe this will be explained later, but really this line just feels awkward. What does his request for forgiveness have to do with the events and narration that came before it? How is the lack of something in his life a punishment, and from who is it a punishment? It feels like without elaboration this line just feels out of place.
enigma wrote: The voice belonged to a young man, probably in his 20's, with jet black hair and reddish-brown eyes. He wore a blue suit and a lighter blue tie. Accompanying him, was an older man, greying and plump, wearing red suspenders and tie.
Another minor nitpicky thing, but if you're going to explain the color of everything else, why not this man's tie?
enigma wrote:Under his arm, he carried a light brown to cream coloured jacket.
So wait, I don't get this. Is it light brown or cream colored, or does it have elements of both colors? It feels like this could have been described more clearly.
enigma wrote:Ooishi raised an eyebrow at Keiichi's 'question'.
You hadn't given us the name of the older detective yet, so the narrator just suddenly knowing it, despite not referring to him from his name at the beginning, feels... off.
enigma wrote:However, before Keiichi could get more than a few steps away, he felt a sudden sharp pain blossom in his shoulder.

"Wait, Maebara-san. We haven't gotten a chance to talk yet."

The older detective's voice hadn't changed, but there was now a definite edge to it. A hint of a threat, of malice. Turning around, Keiichi could see him holding his badge out in front of him.
So wait... what caused the pain? Did he jab his badge into his shoulder? That's all I can tell, given how you don't say anything about a hand being placed on his shoulder or anything like that, and he's already using one to hold out his badge.... It feels like if he's squeezing Keiichi or something, that could use some establishment.
enigma wrote: "I mean, isn't this a major contradiction with the rules? Starting after all the exciting stuff happened? And killing off most of your main pieces as well, to boot? Surely this kind of <LAME>, <BORING> and <GROSS> strategy is against the rules, right?"
I don't get the point of the brackets.

Don't get me wrong, there is a good deal that I do like in the story- you kept me interested, I like what you're doing with Keiichi's character, the writing on a whole certainly wasn't bad from a technical standpoint, and the overall idea could be really interesting. But there were a lot of little things that needled at me throughout- mainly little details that aren't really explained and grammatical nitpicks- I particularly think that proper metaphor use is a point in your writing that oculd use some improvement.

Overall if I were to highlight everything that you did right this would be longer than it already is, but it is a decently written story and I'd be interested in seeing it continue. I'm definitely curious as to where you're going with this.
"With good friends by your side, anything is possible. If you really care for each other, it makes everyone stronger! Then you'll have the will to succeed! The world is filled with painful things, it's sad sometimes, and you won't be able to handle it by yourself. But just know: If there's someone that you love, you'll stay on the right path. And you won't ever give in! As long as you keep that person in your heart, you'll keep getting back up. Understand? That's why a Hero never loses!"
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Re: [Fan Fiction] A Cicada's Dying Chirp

Post by enigma »

NihilisticNinja wrote:Commentary in spoiler tags
Repsonses in bold.
Spoiler : Comments :
enigma wrote: The soft pitter of rain against a glass window woke Keiichi Maebara up. It was only natural. June was almost over, and Tokyo was pretty much midway through it's early summer "rainy season", or tsuyu as it's called. Pulling back the curtains, he let what little sunlight there was peeking out from behind a sea of grey clouds enter the room.
I don't get why this section is in italics. It's not a dream sequence, as far as I can tell- if it is then that should be made a lot clearer. And aside from that there is no reason to set this sequence, which seems insignificant, apart from the rest of the story using italics.

I put it in italics as a form of...setting the scene, as such. To highlight it. For a start, the fact that it's set in tokyo, the season/date, etc. Though, I do see your point. It can be considered to be pointless. I'll consider changing it to normal text.
enigma wrote: Cleaning himself up and slipping on his uniform, Keiichi headed into the kitchen. Toast had been prepared. The typical, boring breakfast of the growing student.
This is kind of a nit-picky thing but... do people typically just eat toast for breakfast? Not even bacon or eggs with it, just... toast? Without even any jam, it sounds like?

I was working off sites for what students in Japan typically eat for breakfast, and they stated toast. As I understand it, it's just toast with butter on it. This is also what I have come to see commonly in anime, so that's as far as I understand it. If someone knows better than me, could they please let me know.
enigma wrote:The white noise came to an abrupt stop, as Keiichi pressed the power button to the tv, silencing it.
"White noise" is the sound of snow and static when there is no transmission signal being obtained, and there clearly was in this case. IT feels like you're trying for a metaphor here, but it just doesn't work for me.

Oh, no. I just genuinely didn't know white noise's definition! I always assumed it meant useless or pointless background noise, so this is just a case of me being dumb. Haha. ^_^"
enigma wrote:The thing about Tokyo, is that it is a large amount of people put into a small amount of space. This was not news to Keiichi, as he was engulfed by the sea of salarymen heading to their jobs and students rushing to their schools. This same suffocating effect was only magnified by the way everyone was crammed into a single train. Keiichi couldn't help but make a mental comparison to sardines in a can. Being shaken about as they move down the factory conveyor belt.
In the "conveyer belt" bit it feels like you're taking this metaphor too far, and it kind of just sounds awkward, particularly when you don't explain what it's a metaphor for.

This is the enigma school of pretentious writing. For the first lesson, we're going to be using heavy handed metaphors to disguise a lack of talent. XP

But, seriously, yeah. I figured I was laying the metaphor on too thick here. Bascally, I was implying that he was on a moving, packed train and as such was being jostled about. Since, the train is the metal can, the people inside are the sardines, and the train line itself is the conveyor belt they're moving down. Rocking them around. I would feel bad just removing the whole line, so what would you reccomend I do with it currently?

enigma wrote: Hey, I apologized, didn't I? So why haven't I been forgiven yet? Was my crime really so bad that it couldn't be forgiven?
Maybe this will be explained later, but really this line just feels awkward. What does his request for forgiveness have to do with the events and narration that came before it? How is the lack of something in his life a punishment, and from who is it a punishment? It feels like without elaboration this line just feels out of place.

Ah. This is a common issue with my writing... Basically, I'm trying to set up later things about his character and later revelations. But I probably didn't sandwich it in very well... The issue is, I can't really get feedback on how to fix this without explaining context (though if you know Higurashi it should be easy enough to guess.)
enigma wrote: The voice belonged to a young man, probably in his 20's, with jet black hair and reddish-brown eyes. He wore a blue suit and a lighter blue tie. Accompanying him, was an older man, greying and plump, wearing red suspenders and tie.
Another minor nitpicky thing, but if you're going to explain the color of everything else, why not this man's tie?

It slipped my brain. XP
Image

enigma wrote:Under his arm, he carried a light brown to cream coloured jacket.
So wait, I don't get this. Is it light brown or cream colored, or does it have elements of both colors? It feels like this could have been described more clearly.

Uh... It's lighbrown/cream, but I don't really know how I'd best word that. Since using a slash in proper writing tends to look strange and out of place.
enigma wrote:Ooishi raised an eyebrow at Keiichi's 'question'.
You hadn't given us the name of the older detective yet, so the narrator just suddenly knowing it, despite not referring to him from his name at the beginning, feels... off.

crap. This was a genuine stupid moment. Though, I did give his name earlier on when Akasaka introduced himself. In any case, my bad.
enigma wrote:However, before Keiichi could get more than a few steps away, he felt a sudden sharp pain blossom in his shoulder.

"Wait, Maebara-san. We haven't gotten a chance to talk yet."

The older detective's voice hadn't changed, but there was now a definite edge to it. A hint of a threat, of malice. Turning around, Keiichi could see him holding his badge out in front of him.
So wait... what caused the pain? Did he jab his badge into his shoulder? That's all I can tell, given how you don't say anything about a hand being placed on his shoulder or anything like that, and he's already using one to hold out his badge.... It feels like if he's squeezing Keiichi or something, that could use some establishment.

What's basically happening here is Ooishi's pulling his same little stunt from near the begging-middle of Arc 3/Curse Killing/Tatarigoroshihen. You're right, though. This does need establishment and further explanation. I'll edit some in.
enigma wrote: "I mean, isn't this a major contradiction with the rules? Starting after all the exciting stuff happened? And killing off most of your main pieces as well, to boot? Surely this kind of <LAME>, <BORING> and <GROSS> strategy is against the rules, right?"
I don't get the point of the brackets.

becuz lambda did that in umi. <POP>, <CUTE> and <I FORGOT THE WORD>. XP This is just a stylistic callback. That's all.

Don't get me wrong, there is a good deal that I do like in the story- you kept me interested, I like what you're doing with Keiichi's character, the writing on a whole certainly wasn't bad from a technical standpoint, and the overall idea could be really interesting. But there were a lot of little things that needled at me throughout- mainly little details that aren't really explained and grammatical nitpicks- I particularly think that proper metaphor use is a point in your writing that could use some improvement.

I'm glad to hear that overall you're enjoying it so far. As for the, uh, questionable usage of metaphor... That's mainly the result of working with the 'voice' of my writing, if you will. I tend to write very plainly, very simply and matter of fact. With the main dialogue being the focus. However, obviously, this doesn't work so well in a typical written text (eg. not a fangame/vn or RP) so as a result I aimed to play around with my way of writing here. I feel I can assure you that next chapter should cool it on the metaphor a bit. You know, before this starts sounding like emo poetry. XD

Overall if I were to highlight everything that you did right this would be longer than it already is, but it is a decently written story and I'd be interested in seeing it continue. I'm definitely curious as to where you're going with this.

Well, my main idea is split into three sections with each chapter having a focus on two of these sections eachtime. Chapter 1 covers two of them; the present hinamizawa gameboard and the back of the gameboard. Chapter 2 will introduce the third section/element; the post-Higurashi gameboard.

Now, I feel here is as good a spot as any to give a little... rundown of my intent.

In recent years, we've been gotten a few Higurashi spinoffs. Higurashi Rei, Higurashi Kira and Outbreak. Now, while I did enjoy Outbreak and Higurashi Rei wasn't... the worst thing ever (we do NOT talk of Kira), these spinoffs have lost a lot of what I feel makes Higurashi Higurashi, or the Higurashi style so to speak. My aim here, then, is to provide something more akin to a true Higurashi spinoff story. (My god, that sounds pretentious. Am I REALLY making that kind of claim!?) In any case, this aims to depict a more accurate, more 'Higurashi' return to Hinamizawa.

Though, then. What of the two other sections, the ones covered in chapter 1? Well, my second goal is to reveal the backside of the Hinamizawa Gameboard. To this end, I have had to construct a new mystery. A new round. That takes place somewhere among those thousands of years that Rika had lived through. And, furthermore, I have had to show the actual meta world itself. To show how the Witches Game played out. To use a bit of morbid terminology from Umineko, this is a sort of fanmade 'burial' of the story. To truly dissect all aspects of the game, as well as explaining all the magic and such that remained unsolved in the original set. It is, then, my goal to truly open up the insides of the Hinamizawa gameboard and examine it from every angle.

I hope that people enjoy this story, despite it's flaws.

(For the record, chapters won't come out very fast considering I plan to have an illustration with every chapter. The cover counts as Chapter 1's.)
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