The RPer's Feedback Thread

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enigma
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by enigma »

My feedback too please.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Sleuth »

gotMLK7 wrote:Find some more sub-plots to try out for players. Heck, I can loan Claus Vladimir to the plot, since he's sort of a villainous character. Just try and organize things to a point where it might appeal to more players and give more options, as well as make things easier for anybody new.

NOW SOMEBODY
CHARACTER OPINONS PLZ
I'll go with what I know off the top of my head. *ahem*

Larry Matryoshka:
Good Points:
> Well, for one, his design is pretty awesome, and he's one of the few RP characters I know of that's had their design changed twice. So we have three costumes set for that RP Fighting Game that will so totally happen. Plus, using a trident in the year 2500? Pretty hardcore.
> Second, I like the way the character has evolved over time. I don't blame you for his rather awkward start, since he was your first guy, but it seems that he's really grown into it over time. I recall pointing out that his development felt a bit unnatural and sudden, but by now, it feels like it really fits him.
> Has a simple but sensible backstory, and I REALLY wanted to see how his battle with Dexter would have ended. The struggle with revenge would have made for some awesome development, but oh well, that's not really your fault. Plus I kind of like the idea that he's a fisherman for some reason. Makes more sense that he's using a trident, I think.
> Made an awesome duo with Arkady, and works pretty well with about any character.
> Has the benefit of being in one of my personal "RP Classics"
> Has potential to do a lot more stuff in the future

Criticisms:
> His personality is a bit hard to pin down, which can be confusing at times. It's gotten better with time, though.
> Was unfortunately cheated out of his two best fellow characters (Not really a criticism, but feels worth noting)
> Outside of action scenes, he feels a bit boring without support (sometimes in them, imagine Beijing Rebellion with Arkady)
> Interacts a bit too much with same-writer-controlled characters. (hypocrisy)

Leon Oscar:
Good Points:
> Like Matryoshka, and most of your characters really, has an awesome design. Like Cormac's more serious brother.
> A good guy, for the most part, which counts for something in TotE
> Has pyrokinesis, which is still pretty cool despite how cliche it is
> FEDORA

Criticisms:
> Like Matryoshka, rather bland in the personality department, only without the benefit of a good, simplistic backstory. (I know he has one, but it's not as memorable as Matryoshka)
> A little more... well, not bland, but maybe a bit generic than most of your other characters. Despite it being cool and really effective, fire is still a pretty basic power, and not exactly incredibly unique; this would be fine if it played strongly into his personality-- Except that it doesn't, other than him having a bit of a temper. If fire played a bigger part in his story, or if you connected it to him personally, it would help compensate for the more generic power. (Don't like using those terms; couldn't think of any other way to say it, though)
> Motivation is rather basic and a bit simplistic. This can be a good thing, though, as it will help him stay on track and keep the plot going-- But like Matryoshka, he needs a partner or someone to play off him.
> Lacks a whole lot of defining qualities; sure he's got the trenchcoat and hat, but so does Nero, and Helen, and you, in your self-portraits. I don't know if it would make sense to randomly add a defining quality in the middle of the story, but this can also be compensated for if you've got someone good to play off of.

And one more because it's late:

Margaret Almabelle:
Good Points:
> Very striking and unique design
> A ghost, so she's probably stronger than half the cast of ET by virtue of being un-killable.
> Rather playful and snarky personality, but can take things seriously too
> Feels almost like a character I would come up with, by virtue of being a fun-seeking, somewhat arrogant character that has the power to back it up; as well as playing around with other people's emotions and stuff.
> Ghost fire is definitely a plus
> Atlantis's only friend. "whyyyyyyyy T_T"

Criticisms:
> Seems a bit too OP at times, just a warning that you might end up having to create excuses for why she doesn't go around possessing enemies and suiciding them.
> Backstory is rather vague-- This will only be a problem if you yourself don't know it, though. You don't need a ton, just enough so you have some grounding, but enough to keep it flexible for the future.
> Sometimes falls too much into the archetype. Fair warning so she doesn't end up as just an archetypal sadistic ghost girl.

And that's all I've got, because it is 1:00 AM now, and I need my beauty sleep.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Stealthfire »

To be honest, I haven't really been reading much of the other RPs, and even on Endless Time, I haven't been keeping up with reading the past several(?) new pages. So, I can't really provide much of any feedback. With A levels in about half a month, I probably won't be much active either. Sorry.

However, if anybody's willing, I request critique on the Circle of Nine from Endless Time. More specifically, in terms of opinions of characters (and their backstories) and writing style. As of now, I only thing I know is, it's uhh...hard to follow.

Give me all you've got. If there's anything you want to nitpick on, go ahead.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by gotMLK7 »

Thanks Sleuth, the advice is really helpful for me. Especially for Leon, I have been unhappy with his character, so the advice for him really makes things easier for me. And it's nice to know that I'm doing some things right, too. Also, homeroom-phone-post FTW.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by PhantomMinaX1 »

I'll probably post an opinion about something in here soon. I just got nothing at the moment, and I haven't been rping long enough for people to critique me XD
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by GuardianDreamer »

Well, I guess I'll give criticism to LP for now then...

Hm. I'm not exactly sure where to start, to be honest. I suppose I should say that I believe that you are a good writer. I'm not sure how to describe this, but I always get this weird feeling from your posts. I feel like whenever you create a new character, you have trouble switching to them. It's not like your beginning posts are bad or anything, but there's this sort of awkwardness about them that's kind of hard to describe, but it slowly disappears over time. I know that you said not to criticize any of your characters in specific, but I can't help but think of Narome for some reason, despite the fact that he was your first RP character on AAO, to my knowledge. I think I told you that I didn''t like him at first (Didn't hate him either) and honestly thought he was kind of overrated.

However, that was a while ago. I feel like recently, you've gotten more comfortable with writing your characters, and it actually feels like you're sort of becoming closer to them. Does that make sense? I'm not quite sure. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, despite the fact that you don't RP TOO much, I notice a pattern. First, you create a character, usually with an interesting design. I don't want to say that your characters are memorable JUST because of their designs, but sometimes it feels like their appearances are the only thing that makes them noteworthy. However, then you actually get used to writing those characters, and they become good characters, or even great ones. In TV Tropes terms, I'd say that your writing for each character has a minor case of Magikarp Power: It's not BAD at first, but it starts off awkward but then steadily approaches greatness.

... Don't know if that made any sense or not. Or if it even helped. Just kind of typed out what I thought. I might type out criticism for other people later... Though I would like people to be more specific, since I'd feel bad criticizing the wrong thing.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Reyson »

Character opinions and writing style, plz. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by enigma »

Aww....C'mon. Someone review my characters and writing style. Pleeeeeease....
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Gombarry »

Gombarry wrote:Don't go to hard on me or too soft.

I guess what I would like just a general opinion of my characters. Which are your fav's and why? What would you improve about them?

Can i haz Character opinions please?
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Mono »

If you keep begging then people want to do your request for feedback less and less. ~_~
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Sleuth »

R.E.Y.S.O.N. wrote:Character opinions and writing style, plz. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
*Cracks knuckles*

What I see in your writing, Reyson, is most of all, a lack of presence. I've been in Final Warfare for some time now, and I can barely recall a thing about DaRoma's personality, backstory, or even what weapon he uses; the only thing I somewhat recall is "For Italia!" and when all you've got is a cheesy catchphrase to remember you by, that's quite a problem. Worst of all, Reyson DaRoma is your MOST memorable character, if only because that catchphrase did, admittedly, get stuck in my head.

I can mostly attribute this lack of notice to the somewhat cardboard-cutout feel I get from your characters. The bases for your characters are interesting, but lack a lot of depth or grounding; which can be a good thing, if you've got a good cast to work with and are ready and willing to do some interaction. That can help mold your characters-- However, your characters seem to rarely get the interaction they sorely need, and as such don't really change, but stay the same, and even fade into the background at times.

This is made worse by your tendency to make short, relatively uneventful posts. It really adds to the lack of presence your characters seem to have. This is where your style comes in; there's really not much to say, because I so rarely get to see any style. You write far too little for me to accurately judge how much potential your characters have, and to see if you are or could be a good writer. I personally like some of your characters, like Cynthia, Vergil, and DaRoma. But they seem far too underdeveloped, and my only real advice is to get more involved.

How can you do this? Well, for one, do your best to get involved in the plot. I know you did that with Vergil in ET, and that was good. You actually had some nice interaction with DLA there, and the only reason Vergil got stuck was because... well, me. I'm bad at this, and I really apologize for screwing over your guy. Can't blame you at all for that, it's my fault entirely for sucking. But at any rate, I feel like your characters need to establish their presence a bit more, and seek interaction.

Now, this doesn't mean "be an attention whore". Come up with logical reasons to have interactions. For Reyson, maybe you could have him speaking with an ally about battle plans. If you've got a good partner that will play off your character, then you can have a chance to build relationships, rivalries, friendships, and the like. For Cynthia, you could have her try to talk to her crew to raise morale, or maybe talk with the other captains, confronting them face-to-face on their decisions. One-on-one interaction is very good for development, and can give you a chance to take your character in directions you never could before. And can also establish more presence for the character; for example, Saburo tends to make a strong impression on other players in FW, simply because he's had so many relationships with the cast. He's sort of friends/rivals with Lawrence, comrades with Karina, enemies with Arkady, and he's got a grounded base as a rebel and a schemer of ambiguous morality. Because of that, he can do a lot in story, and has a strong presence.

I suggest that you make your characters more detailed, more in-depth. Think of them as a real person you're creating. Add little details, like hobbies, why they like their hobbies. A simple, yet effective backstory can also help. Lawrence has a pretty solid backstory, but it's not super-complex. It's got the old "parents killed, seeking revenge thing" but it's effective, and works for giving him a strong relationship with Dexter West, the man who killed his family. He also has a fishing background, which justifies his use of the trident. Simple, but effective.

BTW this does not mean that you need to suddenly flesh out all of your pre-existing characters. Leave them as they are and let them evolve naturally through character interaction. If you were to suddenly give Reyson a backstory involving the Germans, saying that they tortured him as a child, and that's why he hates them, that would feel contrived and kind of lazy; it'd be like gluing on a shiny medal onto him, rather than just giving him the medal in the first place.

For your style and remedying long posts, I suggest checking out this video I made; it basically says the things to do, and stuff. That way I don't have to write it here.

Alright, that's all I've got. Good luck, and I hope to see your guys get more stuff in.
enigma wrote:Aww....C'mon. Someone review my characters and writing style. Pleeeeeease....
Whining is unbecoming of you. But since I've busted your back so much, I feel somewhat obligated to give some advice here.

At any rate, your characters... Let me be frank; I'm always a little iffy on your characters at first, but believe it or not, they have grown on me.

As much as Kageno pissed me off, especially in the Tourney and such, somehow he is far less annoying in hindsight. I've noticed that you do seem to be expanding your range, as you've begun writing somewhat more subtle characters, like Schrodinger. (Schrodinger bugged me at first simply because his posts were so hard to decipher, but after that got taken care of he grew on me) And your recent posts for the Owner and in inSAne have shown a marked improvement. You've added a lot more detail, and your characters do have a bit more grounding now, and I'm starting to even take them seriously. (BTW if I'm being a jackass to your characters in RPs, it's because Kanya IS a jackass, Saburo legit doesn't know who Kageno is, and... I don't think my characters dislike Schrodinger, actually.)

The problem I had with your characters a bit was that I couldn't take them seriously. It felt like their annoyance factor overtook their character factor. They felt less like characters and more like cartoons, and because of that I was constantly pissed off at them and got a bit skeptical when they had legitimate moments of drama. (I think I recall one scene were Kageno is being lonely in his room)

It made you seem a bit like you were stuck in one role, the goofy comic relief that annoyed everyone else, but with your latest writings, you've broken out of this enough to make me take you more seriously, and I'm glad to see that you've taken my advice with formatting.

You've gotten a lot improved, and I'm happy to see that. What I think might help you further is to expand your roles. I can tell that you, like me, are a big fan of the sneering, scheming, arrogant evil genius type, like Hazama and Izaya. Problem with that is, if you're not as intelligent as the character is meant to be (which can be hard, considering you're writing a genius) then the character might get outsmarted or tricked when he really shouldn't have. For me, I have Kanya in inSAne. Really, I've had her make a bunch of illogical and kind of weird decisions that don't suit the character. She is supposed to be a child prodigy, this smart, tough girl who has something to prove; problem is, I'm not a math genius girl thing. So I feel like I've let down the character because of that, and now, instead of being the smart girl genius she was meant to be, she ends up as just another violent teen girl who likes to spout out obnoxious math terms. And that irritates me, because my own limitations drag down the character. I say this because you tend to write a lot of high and mighty characters, guys with a lot of reputation to live up to, such as Glitch and the Owner. Not calling you dumb, but I wouldn't expect anyone to make the legitimate decisions of a genius character, and if you don't meet those expectations, you feel bad. What I suggest is getting a few characters out of that kind of range; guys with different personalities and quirks. You could try writing a nice guy who looks scary and has a bad reputation; the drama from what he feels about that can really help build a character.

However, like with Reyson, no matter how good you make your character, they really need interaction to shine. So you don't always have to focus on making your guy the best or anything; give him some flaws to deal with, crippling, big flaws that hurt him. Maybe he'll find a friend to help him out-- Or an enemy that forces him to overcome them.

That's really all I've got for now. Keep writing, of course. And remember that you've got other players in the game-- Use them.
Gombarry wrote:
Gombarry wrote:Don't go to hard on me or too soft.

I guess what I would like just a general opinion of my characters. Which are your fav's and why? What would you improve about them?

Can i haz Character opinions please?
Uhhh okay, short thing here because I haven't RPed with you long enough to really know a lot of your guys...

Minoru from ET; I like the idea of a mastermind king who's also a renegade. I'd like to meet him soon in ET, as he and Aurora have similar goals. I think I'll be able to make a better opinion of him later, but he seems very interesting so far.

Antonio in FW is probably one of the more grounded characters, meaning that he's got a bit more basis in reality. He's not badly written, but this does make him a bit prone to getting left out while skyscrapers are exploding and motorcycle assassins are fighting Chinese Rebels.

That's all I've got. Thank you, and goooood night.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by enigma »

Thank you for your feedback, Sleuth. For Glitch and The Owner, since they're supposed to be villains I tried to make them more...powerful mentally and physically. I agree, though that I am kind-of stuck in one mode when writing villains. I guess that's my own arrogance making me try to make my villains smarter and better than the "heroes." I too feel that I need more variety in my characters which is the main reason I created young Glitch and Schrodinger. I hope to make my new characters even less "cartoony" and more interesting. I'll also try and build up more interaction for my characters rather than just waiting for others too.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by ShadowEdgeworth »

Someone grade my characters Mika Cadenza and Kathryn Jayneway if they can. :) LET ME HAVE IT. :D
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Reyson »

I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.
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Re: The RPer's Feedback Thread

Post by Sleuth »

I'm going into NaNoWriMo now, and reading my past writing, it REALLY sucks. So I'm opening myself up to criticism, however harsh you want to go. I don't care so long as it doesn't degenerate into flaming or trolling. I'll leave it open for as long as you want, so go ahead and say whatever you want, even if someone has already responded.

I'd like criticism on:

Character Development (Good development, bad development, too rushed, too slow, not enough etc.)
Character Creation (E.g. Best and Worst aspects of my characters)
Descriptions (Of locations, characters, actions, etc.)
Characters (Originality, likability, appeal, dislikes)
Plot Development (How well I move along stories)
Dialogue (Good, bad, ugly, etc.)
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