TwiGav wrote:I'd like critique of everything I do. Excluding Jean.
Everything? Geez, you guys love narrowing it down don't you...
I don't know harsh you want me to be so I'll just write whatever comes to mind. I'm
really tired right now so this might not turn out very useful. I mean it's not like I'm an expert at this craft but I'll try my best. There are a couple things I think you could improve on. So uh, in no particular order, here goes~
TEXT WALL TIME!!
First off, I think your posts could use a little more substance. I can't say I've seen THAT much of your work - mostly just ET and the tourney, really - but most of your posts seem to be about two lines, max(though I do have a pretty wide computer monitor). I'm probably wrong, but I would guess the reason is probably that you're just posting in order to move things along, and that's it. For example,
You wrote:The chanelling screen hit Vincent, knocking him down. He was surprised by this, and ran over to grab his fallen axe. In a rage, he threw one of the glass lanterns at James and proceeded to go behind the altar.
Now I know this post does its most basic job pretty well. It explains what happened and moves along the scene so the next person can post. But it doesn't really accomplish much more than that. Now I'm not sure if that's due to A: a lack of descriptive ability or B: a general disinterest in elaborating on your character's feelings and whatnot. While we do have
some insight into Vince's emotions, the scene still lacks any real sense of feeling or mood. It feels more like a..
series of statements rather than a
dangerous battle with axes and broken glass. I think this is because the post is too short and you used very passive language. For example, you're all like "In a rage..." and then use words like "threw" and "proceeded". If he's that mad, use forceful language! Maybe he
hurled the glass lanterns and
bolted behind the altar. I mean that's just a basic example but you know what I mean. Be more descriptive! If Vince is mad and the scene is tense, show us. Otherwise, no one's really going to feel convinced by what you're saying. And it'd really help to throw in a few more sentences so we can visualise the scene better. Did the chanelling screen break? Did Vincent hit the ground safely or was it actually pretty painful? I mean you don't have to go overboard but it helps to make things more interesting. Roleplaying is a lot more fun when you can actually enjoy reading other people's posts. And writing descriptively like this shouldn't be a chore - if you're going to write a post, treat like making any other kind of artwork. You'd want to be somewhat proud of it, right? And you'd do it because it's fun.
Second on my list of criticisms is character depth. I'll give you fair warning - this crit might be a little opinionated, because I'm one of those guys who thinks a personality section should be mandatory in character apps. Let's take a look at one of your character apps, shall we?
In the tourney, you wrote:Personality: I'm going to let the other players decide. He really has no limits.
Battle Psychology: Mordik uses stealth to confuzzle the hell out of his opponents. If this doesn't work, anything can and will happen!
Now... to be honest, this is a little lazy. It's like, for these parts of the app, you just shrugged and said "Meh, I don't care." But you should care. If your character literally has no personality, where's the fun in writing him at all? Or reading his posts, for that matter? You know how I said writing is an art, and something you should feel proud of or at least happy with? Yeah, that. Personally, a large portion of my enjoyment in RPing is getting into character and imagining how they'd feel and react to whatever happens to be going on in the RP. I like to feel that the things I write are things I would enjoy. Can you imagine reading a story about a character with no personality whatsoever? Sounds pretty boring, doesn't it? I've got a small amount of characters with poorly defined or shallow personalities, and they are by far my least favourite to write as. Again, this feels like a character designed to serve a purpose and not be anything interesting on its own merits. Just like Vince just threw that lantern to move the fight along, Mordik is just there so you have someone to fight with. And that's not just uninteresting for everyone else, but it's also going to get old pretty fast for you. Don't be afraid to actually write a personality - plenty of people's characters don't turn out how they were originally envisioned, but they eventually settle on something consistent and/or great. And it's not as hard as you think. Just take a look at some of the other details in your app:
Mordik has exceptional aim.
Mordik always knows what time it is.
Mordik is a mild hemophobic - that is to say he is frightened if there is enough blood to make 2 donations.
Mordik has a prosthetic leg.
Mordik is distracted by natural oddities, such as a deformed weapon or a dog-eared page of a book. This makes him liable to attacks.
Now I'm assuming you just gave him these traits for sake of having strengths and weaknesses, but they already imply some kind of personality. If he has good aim, is distracted by natural oddities and always knows what time it is, you could say he's an observant guy who notices things faster than most others. Maybe he's quite insecure about his hemophobia, and tries to avoid thinking about it due to his job as a cop(he's a cop, right?). Maybe he actually keeps that a secret and tries to look like this gruff guy who isn't phased by anything. Maybe he's afraid to take risks because he lost his leg. There! A bunch of traits you could use to create an actual character. Trust me, you'll enjoy writing a lot more if you've actually put time into the characterisation. You'll actually care about what happens to him and feel a little less inclined to make him randomly commit suicide because you were too lazy to post.
For my last point, I'll make things brief because I'm lazy and I doubt you expected this much to read. I think you could pay more attention to things already established in RP, and if you are going to add something to the story, don't add something you don't really have the authority or significance to do. I know it sounds like I'm making you look small, but I didn't know how else to explain my point, heh. For my example this time, I'm actually using one of the most in-depth posts I've ever seen from you that actually uses some of the stuff I was talking about. The post where Vincent remembers when he signed up to the tournament. The post was one of your best and all, and it was interesting, but... the tournament didn't exactly HAVE signups. And if that kind of thing wasn't specified, it's generally GMs that decide on big world-building changes like that. Unless you're in something a lot more free-form, which you weren't. So uh, good job on everything else in that post, but I recommend you think about that kinda thing from now on. RPs are a collaborative thing, after all.
END OF TEXT WALL
I'm not sure if there's anything else I could say, but I'm too tired and hungry to think about it and find out. So I hope that helped you, Mr Gav.
trophy x 5
