spd12 wrote:Spoiler : Dave - Hikaru Yukimura, Super Sentai :You mentioned hating how she tried to destroy all the booze in the bar, where to me that felt like a powerful moment where I had to consider if that might've played a role in her background and frustrations. Leaving interesting speculation for readers is always good, as it keeps them invested in wanting to read/know more!
spd12 wrote:Spoiler : Detective Luke Atmey - Phineas Masters, Ringmaster :Your character felt extremely disconnected in writing. This may have been intentional as part of his character design. He came off as someone who was much more self-interested in his own thoughts and goals than any other person, and that's not a bad angle to go with.
The callous disregard for others was palpable when he set Jackie off during the motive reveal for chapter 2, and really a defining moment for him overall when he showed much more interest in his own personal advancement than anything else.
However, it honestly felt like you were writing more his reactions to events like he were an outside spectator instead of someone who was part of the game's environment.
To use a personal example, I felt he underreacted to the fact that he was in the company of someone who HELPED MURDER HARMON and came off as someone who may well have been AN ENEMY OF THE LAST BASTIONS OF HOPE, all brushed aside over the immediate situation of that silly moose head.
The sum and worth of a character is how they help push the story forward and affect the environment around them... and vice-versa. I feel you'll improve steadily as a writer once you break out of the mindset of just asking "how does my character react to this specific instance, right now" as opposed to "how does my character react to this as a summation of everything that has happened before?"
Spoiler : Blackrune - Mikoko Kamiyashiro, Shrine Maiden :I am amazed with how intricately designed she must have been, with her mannerisms and just about everything about her. You have an understated way of presenting your characters that is very concise. It lends itself a little more mystery as a result, which in a setting like this, is good.
A lot of what really made her shine was locked behind spoiler tags, most of which I could only read now that the game has been officially declared dead. This is something that crops up with multiple people, where unless you interacted with them directly, odds are good you only ever saw little of them. I was impressed with what I discovered on a re-read - the duality of the character is intriguing.
One thing that does puzzle me is the seeming presence of a supernatural element where the setting tends to forego that sort of thing. Regardless of how theme-breaking the concept might be, it did seem like you had a good handle on it.
I'd have loved to see how she would have developed from there, if there were any other interesting aspects to her to bring front and center at some point. It seems like you bowed out of both DR style games entirely as of writing, which is a shame given your reputation on the site as a highly respected trialmaker.
A part of me feels like more should be said here, but there isn't much more I could add.
spd wrote:Spoiler : Trybien - Katsuro Kyouken, Yo-yoer :I'm going to have to open this one on a bit of a downer, as it is the most distinctive thing that defined the character for me, so please bear with me here.
The biggest criticism is in his behavior during the trial - and yours as a player, too. I wasn't sure where the player's thoughts end and the character's began. There didn't seem to be much to his character other than 'win the trial,' with how quick he switched gears. This, and you went and publically trashed the work everyone involved put forth on the trial with Zeta. I had to sit through that in silence, given the rules in place about not exposing yourself unless given the GM say-so.
It was extremely hurtful to experience, and I need to repeat it again here so everyone reading understands the following: we may sometimes be writing villains, but the writers are still human beings who put forth a lot of work to give you guys something to solve. No one should feel punished for helping push the main thrust of the game, even if a few mistakes still managed to slip through the cracks.
Now... I do feel you were starting to turn this around in Chapter 2, when Katsuro was making some very harrowing decisions that would bring a bunch of people together under his line of thinking. THIS is good drama. This helped solidify his character a lot more, and going over the archives I was very much respecting the direction he was going. His conflicts with Kari was starting to show some added depth to his person as well, which I liked.
He had a rough start, where he seemed to barely have any character other than trying to run with what you (the player) thought was amusing ans leaving at that, but stood to have an incredible finish. I'm purposely withholding some details in case you want to share them yourself - as you have not posted in this thread in a while - but considering I spent the beginning of this space with criticism, I feel it's best to leave this on a good note.
I felt you grew as a writer very quickly in a short amount of time, so I'm sure you already took the lessons from above to heart from here on out.
spd12 wrote:Thanks for all the feedback to the... uh, feedback. Feedback^2.
Yesterday I hashed out a series of ideas on how the murders might have gone down - educated guesses - or at least what I think might have been the best picks in terms of story.
I'd like to reiterate that being an earlier death does not diminish one's worth as a character. Not every prospective killer gets their kill in, and some of the choices are a little meta... but I think it'd be a good way for it all to have gone down.
The main reason I put this up now is because I like the open discussion we've been having, and also because I'm about to be hit by heavy snow and figure... might as well!
Keep in mind I did this up after skimming the entire game.Spoiler : Murder arrangements?! :Heath (Sports Team Fan) killing Harmon (Playwright) is canon in Chapter 1.
Chapter 2... Although the murder app did get rejected, I would've wholly gone for Katsuro (Yo-Yoer) killing Higami (Conspiracy Theorist). Odds are very good Higami would have been dead either way from what I know of at least one other prospective apper, but story-wise this would've been the best one - Katsuro tries to sacrifice himself to take out a threat, unaware of Higami's actual motives. Tragedy happens.
Chapter 3... I go with Kari (Masseuse) killing Ariel (Gunsmith) and Raymond (Pyrotechnician) in a double-murder to clear out the Kill Me First list of C2. I know Kari was hankering to get in a kill but I forget who she would've gone for originally, probably would've done in these two to increase chances of the app being accepted. Kari, the crazed despair sympathetic individual, goes all-out to take out as much of hope's last stand as possible even if she doesn't get away with it.
Chapter 4... Hikaru (Super Sentai) finally loses her faith in wake of Katsuro's and Kari's actions and does in Calliope (Diva), unaware at the time that by killing Calliope, she actually did take out another despair-backed monster. This would probably give her a flash of sympathy until Monokuma shows evidence to the otherwise just as she's carted to execution, which I think would be very good reading by multi-man improv standards.
Chapter 5... Anthony (Songwriter) takes out Robert/Ogi (Bodybuilder/Roboticist). This one is more meta - Gav considered Anthony disposable and was intending to kill with him in the second half of the game, and I'm only making a guess based on possible activity levels at the time that he wouldn't want to step on toes. I couldn't formulate much for Anthony's character since by his design, there wasn't all too much, but he'd be a late game killer for sure if he made it that far.
By Chapter 6... this leaves seven people alive, going clockwise with the trial seating arrangements: Min Ri (Sniper), Phineas (Ringmaster), Daisuke (Marksman), Kyouji (Treasure Hunter), Mikoko (Shrine Maiden), Seltha (Survivalist), and Jackie (Punk Rocker).
This leaves room for any one of them to have been the mastermind all along... unless it was over on the NPC side. If it were one of the PCs all along, you'd get a neat and even six survivors at the very end of it. Which one would you guys pick as mastermind?
I ask this for sake of discussion, as it wasn't too clear looking from the outside in if anyone actually was.
gotMLK7 wrote:This is a list where NBA Jam beats Mega Man 2.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
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